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In a lot of my parenting consultations I find myself telling the parents that the best way to manage their concerns is to increase love and decrease consequences. This past month a parent ask me to be more specific about what love looks like for children. What did they have to do to choose love over consequences. I thought that maybe all of you would like the answer to this question so here are my answers:
One of the most popular questions in our online parenting support subscription and in parent consultations is how to manage after school activities. Here are my suggestions in how to think about them and how to make choices around them:
My husband and I were speaking about our work. He is the Dean of Students at an independent school in Miami and I am the owner and founder of Stop Parenting Alone. We both found that we had the same experience this past month. Everyone had hit a wall. The teachers of those we each work with were asking, "When will this student finally change?" The students and my client's children were making mistakes, melting down, skipping classes, and simply making all sorts of poor choices. The parents in my parenting consultations and the online subscription were wondering what is wrong with my child, why aren't they progressing.
Many parents and teachers use Time Out as a way to discipline children. Are you certain that you are using it correctly?
I watched my daughter’s eyes swell up with tears and thought, “here it is, here is the day I have been dreading.” We spoke while I brushed her hair about an incident she had in her classroom. The students in her class have begun to point out how intelligent she is. They react to her with jokes spiced with sarcasm saying, “What’s the magic recipe for getting all the answers right?” This is not bullying. These are just kids reacting, noticing, moving through the markers of development. The ones speaking to her this way are defending themselves from embarrassment and fear of my daughter judging their mistakes or their perceived lack of knowledge compared to her. My daughter has begun to balance with how to be her authentic self: intelligent, curious, an avid reader and friend, with her need to remain in relationship with those around her.
The waiting and lines at Disney cause all to have to go through this process time and again. However, at Disney, unlike the marshmallow test, after the wait you get much more than just two marshmallows. Everyone gets their imagination expanded and their hearts filled with joy. It was interesting for me to witness this constant restraint, sometimes in failure and sometimes in success, of the many children and adults at the parks. In the spirit of writing about the solution rather than the problem, here is how I think parents can handle this Disney test of patience and impulse control.
