My husband and I were speaking about our work. He is the Dean of Students at an independent school in Miami and I am the owner and founder of Stop Parenting Alone. We both found that we had the same experience this past month. Everyone had hit a wall. The teachers of those we each work with were asking, "When will this student finally change?" The students and my client's children were making mistakes, melting down, skipping classes, and simply making all sorts of poor choices. The parents in my parenting consultations and the online subscription were wondering what is wrong with my child, why aren't they progressing. As we shared our thoughts, we both determined that we are in the midst of a curve of things being in regression.
Humans change and grow in bursts and regressions. When our children have a regression on what they are working on, it is important for the adults to stay consistent in how they respond rather than focusing on having to do something different for the child to change.
It is important for the adults around the child to keep in mind the time since you set the new intervention for the child. A new routine, rule or boundary can take up to three weeks for a child to shift into. It takes time for a person to shift out of existing habits and strategies of managing emotion.
If a child or teen experiences their caregivers as punitive and annoyed by their “lack of progress” early in the process, it proves to them that they are not safe and need to continue old strategies to survive this new shift.
My tip is to constantly remind yourself that they will have good days and bad days. Respond with love and tolerance to the bad days, with constant reminders to your child that you know they can do better and that you know changing is hard. If you do this, the bad days will decrease and the good days will be abundant.
On bad days make sure to wonder:
Why are they controlling their world around them? Where do they feel disconnected and lonely?
What happened with their friendships in the classroom, with their siblings, or with you that causes them to either fight or disengage?
How is their sleeping, eating, and routine at home?
How is your mood at home? Is it tense? Is it distracted?
Are we reminding them that its okay to make mistakes and that every day is a brand new start?
Make sure to keep a ratio of 3:1 on positive vs negative interactions. If you share a negative interaction with your child, be sure to find three times within 24 hours when you can point out something they are doing well, a moment to kiss or hug them for no reason, or a moment to help them out even if they are not asking you to. This is especially important if you are working on a rule, routine or boundary change in your family.