Photo by Chocolate Milk Photography
Let’s talk about consequences. One of the most frequent questions parents ask me in workshops and consultations is what is the consequence to a child’s challenging behavior. Most ask that question because they have an inappropriate goal. They've been told that the right goal is for your child to feel bad when they're not listening or when they've made a mistake. I want you to wonder: When was the last time that you learned anything while feeling bad?
When we feel bad there are three ways to respond: 1. Defend ourselves, 2. Make note that this person is not safe and I need to lie to them when I want to seek pleasure, or 3. Abandon my needs, wants, and authenticity to do exactly what this other person says, so that I don't lose their love. When you think about consequences I want you to think about how you want your child to learn from their mistakes. Do you want them to be afraid of you? Do you want them to always defend themselves against you? Do you want them to listen to you blindly without having any sense of self?
“I want you to think about how you want your child to learn from their mistakes. Do you want them to be afraid of you? Do you want them to always defend themselves against you? Do you want them to listen to you blindly without having any sense of self?”
The vast majority of parents respond that they don't want any of these, so what are the consequences? Well the consequences really depend on the age group. With little ones when you take away their action, e.g. writing on the wall, the pain of not being able to do it is horrible and enough. For the school-age children, the desire to apply consequences is usually about the child not listening or following a routine. Here, the conversation with you about the lesson is enough of a consequence because they're feeling intense guilt. Children in the school-age years don’t like the feeling of guilt and will change if you teach them why what they're doing is wrong. For teenagers the consequence is life and the outcomes of their choices. That's the hardest for a parent to swallow. You have to allow them to experience the natural consequences of their choices. They have to face their teacher about the science project they didn’t finish and accept the impact on their academic progress. When they come home late from a party, they have to face your disappointment and earn your trust again. It's about life and life's terms, and that is never quick and easy for them. Ultimately, always remember that consequences and discipline are about teaching, an imparting of values, and not punishing, an imprinting of conditioned responses.