Question
Is there a challenging developmental transition that some kids go through around 3-4? My son, who is 4, has been a relatively easy child, but it seems that tantrums have picked up over the last few months. I think by this age many kids are starting to move on from toddler tantrums, but it feels harder for us now. I am also wondering if perhaps, looking back, my discipline was not always consistent and I have been trying to rectify that without going the other way of being too harsh. As a side note I also remember this age being quite difficult with my oldest son who is almost 7 (and things generally flowing smoothly). Interested in your thoughts and any pointers on how to navigate this period.
Answer
Age 4 has a big social emotional marker for kids that lasts until around 7. Autonomy and the need to be independent expands into understanding that they can affect the world around them. They begin to truly integrate social norms and social rules. They flourish for the first time in knowing what they like and don't like. When we know these things about ourselves, we set boundaries. We tell others what we need or don't need BUT 4-7 year olds do this poorly. Very poorly, just like when they were learning to walk and they fell on their bottom.
So the tantrums may have increased in an otherwise flexible child because he is having a hard time setting a boundary with you and explaining his needs. He gets stuck in his need, goal or idea and then melts down when he can’t communicate with you or convince you to see things his way.
Adults do this too, we may cry when we are telling someone what we need. We may scream when telling someone that they have crossed our boundary.
What's confusing is that children 4-7 are usually trying to set boundaries with us to stay in pleasure. For example, to not go take a bath, to stay playing or to use a particular article of clothing. So, the adult gets confused and thinks they are being oppositional but actually they are just fighting or crying over what they love.
So the lesson your child has to learn is:
1. How to set boundaries in a relationship with respect, clarity and kindness - which implies managing emotions, impulse control and good communication skills - ALL of which are not fully developed for him.
What do you do?
a. Name his goal or need: You don't want to stop watching TV at night
b. Name his feeling: You are disappointed
c. Make conscious he has to wait for his feeling to pass through his body: I am turning off the TV and we will both be quiet for a bit to wait for the disappointment to pass through your body
d. WAIT 9-20 minutes - which means you do need to add 15 minutes to all your transitions until he gets better at this
e. later when calm or if he gets calm let him know how to tell you he is disappointed rather than showing you - with screams and push back that he is disappointed
This weekend or any day where everyone is calm and rested, sit with both your kids and talk about the daily routine. You tell them what you expect, but then ask them what they would change and what they may need. See if there is anything you can change in the daily routine that gives them more autonomy. You also model how to compromise and talk about boundaries in a productive way
Hope this helps!