Question
I am having a very hard time with my 6yo son. As soon as he sees me he looks disappointed, gets angry with me, talks to me in a bad manner, starts acting up, and doing things that he knows he is not supposed to do. His brother tells me that he doesn’t do that with dad and at his house he does what he is told. I have had a lot of stress at work and with personal matters so I struggle sometimes to stay in the moment and be as fun as dad is. I try to talk to him and have patience but it gets to a point where I explode because he is just not listening to me and keeps escalating the situation. I tell him to stop several times, his brother does too and he keeps going.
The other day in the car he kept throwing small pebbles he took out of a ball and he wouldn’t stop after telling him multiple times and then I exploded. Another morning he did not want to get dressed and I had to dress him against his will because we had to go and he tried to hit me and kick me but I was able to hold him and put the clothes on him, and didn’t react to that, just told him I understand you are sleepy but we have to go.
Some days at school, he behaves but every week there are complaints about him bothering another kid, or not following directions, hitting, placing something inside a boys shirt, and playing with his lunch bag. He likes to play bothering others, and although I try to explain that it is not funny and if he would like that done to him it keeps happening. Most of the time he says he doesn’t remember what happened or that the other kids are bothering him by saying something he doesn’t like or making up stories that he did something wrong when he did not.
He has told his dad that he wants to stay living with him. At the same time he also looks for me and wants to sleep with me at night. If I have to go out then he cries for me and does sometimes tell me that he loves me, but most of the time it is a huge struggle, resisting me at every turn, to get up in the morning, to put clothes on, to wash teeth, to do homework, etc. and with dad happy to do that quickly and then they have time to go out and play.
Please remind me when he talks to me in a mad manner or screams at me what is the best way to handle.
Answer
The number one tip I will remind you of is to not scream.
Get into the habit of telling him, "I'm starting to get frustrated. I am going to walk away, set a timer for 3 minutes to calm down and then continue to talk".
Then set a timer on your phone for 3 minutes and quietly breathe and calm yourself.
No matter what, do this every time.
Be late for school, be late for bed, etc.
He needs to see that you are working on staying calm and responding to him differently.
His resistance could be many things. But one primary thing may be that it is the way he is relating to you to control your responses.
What do I mean by that?
Since sometimes you scream and other times you are calm, he can't predict your actions. When you scream it probably scares him BUT if HE controls WHEN and HOW you scream it helps him not be surprised by it.
That is why the first tip IS the most important tip.
He will continue to address you in a way that he can control until you change the way you respond.
It may be time to go to therapy together. It could be helpful to take 6 months in dyadic therapy (parent/child sessions) so that both of you have a safe space to share what you are experiencing with each other.