Question
My 13 yo has been very challenging at home and at school. When he does not show appropriate behavior, I start to put restrictions on the phone/take away the phone. However, I feel like this is being done daily to the point sometimes he says he doesn’t care (but really he does).
Any suggestions ?
Answer
Restrictions with the phone for talking back, having big feelings or challenging behavior do not work. Why? Because one has nothing to do with the other.
You are choosing to do this because you are buying into the myth that if we take away pleasure then the person will be more willing to follow the rule.
Brain science has taken that idea and proved it wrong.
When we feel punished or hurt, we defend ourselves, one way many of us defend ourselves from pain is to give up or try not to care...what he is doing when he says "I don't care".
Instead of taking away the phone, speak to him about the feelings, the expectations and the values of your family around the challenging behavior he is presenting.
Then ask him, how does he see it and how does he need assistance to make different choices?
The teen years are about sitting with them and being curious about what is blocking them rather than trying to continue controlling their time, behavior and ideas.
Here's a resource for teens you can dive into and see if it helps: https://drlisadamour.com/topic/family-relationships/