Question
I need your advice.
This afternoon we had our 2nd Girl Scout meeting. It’s about 15 girls and moms that I don’t really know (combo of K & 1st graders). I told my daughter before the meeting that her vest may look a little different than the other girls as her yellow flag pin hadn’t arrived. When we got there and it was time for all the moms to pin a gold pin on the yellow flag my daughter had a fit and ran out of the room. I coaxed her back in but then she said “girls scouts is so stupid, it’s so boring, all we do is draw. I hate Girl Scouts.” I was mortified.
Several of the moms in the room have worked so hard on the meetings, making them special, etc. One of the moms kindly handed us a yellow flag pin to borrow for the pictures and my daughter took it and threw it across the room and ran out again.
Again, I was mortified. I found her and again calmed her down and coaxed her back in. Then the troop leader gave out the badges that the girls who participated in the last hike earned (we were out of town so didn’t go) and she was upset again b/c of course she didn’t get one.
Every social outing we miss is another badge all the girls get and she doesn’t. She was then hiding under her chair and finally came up and was distracted by an I-spy worksheet. She also had an outburst in the 1st meeting. Honestly I am tempted to just quit and of course now I don’t really want to go to any of the activities like ice skating, the hikes, etc. Help also for the record I am not that into it and find it to be a lot of busy work for the moms, it’s kind of a pain in the you know what!
Answer
Your question has three themes to process and think about.
Theme 1: Her sensory sensitivities and differences in managing big feelings like disappointment and being embarrassed
Theme 2: How tightly are you holding on to ideas or what a "child her age should do" versus what your daughter does well and what interests her?
Theme 3: Do you suffer and put too much attention on what other parents think about your daughter, her responses and your interactions with her?
Them 1:
It reads like you handled it beautifully. You predicted for her. You gave her time outside and away from the group to feel and process all her feelings. You even let her take time under a chair, Proprioceptive input, GO MOM! but your daughter still was overwhelmed and her nervous system was just on overload. This theme you handled well and it's the place where you can continue to hold and love her so when she is 32 she can give herself the space and time to calm down without thinking she is Too Much or Broken.
Every time you give your daughter time to pause, calm and regroup her nervous system. You help her experience what it's like to manage that overzealous brain, amygdala and nervous system of hers.
Theme 2:
Why girl scouts? There are a lot of rules, restrictions and group activities that are adult lead that will probably place her in this same situation time and again. Is girl scouts one of those things you thought your child would do when you were dreaming of children? Do girl scouts have the values and the lessons you hope your girl to understand and experience?
Are there other ways you can hike, do adventures and learn about being of service with your daughter that does not include weekly meetings and group tasks and badges?
Remember that she is currently working on following rules, being one of many and learning how to be social. Have you placed her in a PhD level of these skills when she's just starting to learn how to do these things?
If the picture is how she is experiencing Girl Scouts these questions are important to answer.
Anything you do out of school can be a place where your daughter can be her smart, creative and expressive self. Is that what she is doing in Girl Scouts?
Sometimes as parents we hold on to ideas of what children should do rather than accept what our children are showing us what they are interested in pursuing. Stay open and curious with all your extracurriculars.
Theme 3:
If you had not felt the pressure of imagining how the other parents were judging you or feeling about what she was saying, would this be as confusing?
I read that your first instinct was to care for your daughter and her big feelings and nervous system. Stay there.
The other parents do not have the information or experience of managing a little one like your daughter
This one is hard since its natural to need others to understand how you are thinking and feeling.
I can imagine the need to want them to understand her and you. Unfortunately, few will understand what you are managing and helping her with, since our culture is full of stigma around anyone who doesn't respond in a typical way.
That is hysterical since "typical" varies and most parents are believing a lie of how children "should" act.
Of all the themes this is the hardest one to process and I predict that it will shift and change as your daughter continues to develop and grow