Question
So happy to be part of this amazing group! I just saw your reel on Instagram with Evelyn from Hatch and Bloom, on punishments/ rewards and have so many questions! LOL
1. How do I get my 4 year old to do anything without consequences?
Such as “if you don’t clean up your toys they will go away, if you don’t put your shoes on you will not come to the birthday party” etc..
2. Regarding rewards, he is having a regression with using the toilet since I started potty training my little one, so I am offering him rewards for days he stays dry to encourage him to not pee his pants. Am I doing it all wrong?
Answer
I want to start by changing how you see "making them do something" to "teaching them to do something". Just that change in language will help you get out of the "if you don't do this then...."
To use your example on cleaning up toys, you can add to your language the lesson so it's not just punitive to take the toys away.
For example, when he starts playing you are teaching him that the play has a pattern:
1- we choose the toys
2- we play with the toys
3- we pick up the toys
In his brain this is what happens in each step:
1- He is only using positive emotions, processing information and working memory.
2- He is using positive emotions, processing information, working memory to make up stories and games, and impulse control to stay in the game.
3- He has to tolerate negative emotions, so he has to use emotional regulation, impulse control and delay of gratification.
Number 3 is super hard for anyone under 8 years old.
The first obstacle is tolerating the disappointment and sadness that play is over and he has to pick up. Now, when you tell him, "you're not moving fast enough to clean so I'm going to take your toys away”, you add fear, so YES it works for most kids. The fear makes them move to clean BUT have they learned to manage disappointment? Have they learned that after you feel disappointed and frustrated you feel proud because you cleaned up, NO...he just learned to avoid your consequence.
Holy Moly Lina! ARGGHHH so what do I do instead....?
1- First, be aware of how hard it is to go through the feelings of step 3 for your kiddos all the way until they are 8. Hold that in mind so when they avoid it, it doesn't seem like opposition and more what it actually is, a way to manage difficult emotions.
2- Help them: Say, “I will pick up the dinosaurs, you pick up the puzzles”.
3- Describe what he is feeling when he doesn't move immediately to clean up: "Buddy you're so sad that play is over but play starts and ends. When it ends we clean up" You continue cleaning up the dinosaurs.
4- Applaud and describe anything he does to clean: "Wow, you put the puzzle away even though you are so sad that play has ended. Give it time I know when we are done cleaning you will feel proud"
5- Hug him and tell him that you know it was hard but he was able to feel the yucky feelings and clean with you.
You will repeat and remind this pattern at least 50 times. Then he will know the real lesson of cleaning up. ‘I have to feel frustration that something is ending but then I feel accomplished that I did it’. Which is the long term lesson we want him to have to be a citizen of the world and to succeed at most difficult tasks and circumstances that will come his way in the future.
Taking away the toys teaches him to be careful, to be afraid of “clean up” because it causes the two of you to disconnect. It causes him to look at himself rather than the task.
This way does take MUCH longer for the child to learn BUT the long term benefits are better.
The potty example is the same. The ‘reward’ is moving his focus to something external, instead of what is really happening.
He is managing jealousy of his brother having this time to learn to potty.
When he does it alone his little head is saying "if I do potty well then I loose my mommy to my brother. "
So when he has an accident you can do this instead:
1- Oh buddy, you forgot to go to the potty when your body gave you a signal.
2- Then describe what he may be thinking and feeling "my head is telling me that you have seen me help your brother with the potty and you want me to help you too"
3- Then give the prompt and the reality "Its hard to share mommy with your brother. But he is in the beginning of learning when his body is ready to go to the potty and you are at the end. That is why I am spending more time with your brother"
4- Come up with a way for him to feel included in the potty process with his brother....
Repeat every time he has an accident...
The reward gives him what he needs: that moment of positive interaction with you BUT it affirms that his accidents get him time with you.
The longer version above talks about the ROOT of his need.
It will take longer BUT the long term lesson of having to be okay with mommy taking care of brother is more important...