Question
The sibling relationship in my home between my son and my daughter (2yo) has become unbearable. My son doesn’t want his sister near him but when she is playing or doing something else he goes and bothers her, screams at her - so naturally she “fights back” and screams at the top of her lungs. So I interject and separate them, but I’m at my wits end. It happens all the time and the yelling and screaming is horrible. I’ve tried talking to my oldest but he doesn’t give a single ‘f about it, he keeps the dynamic and tells me that I always defend his sister and not him. It usually ends in tears and he can’t stand her. Help! I don’t know how to break this cycle…
Answer
In thinking of your particular situation, lots of children who manage and live with ADHD can be impulsive with their words when they are overwhelmed with emotion or when they have a powerful thought.
My hypothesis is that when he "bothers her" or "screams at her" when she is minding her own business is that he has walked into the room she doesn't look up and he feels slighted or rejected. So, he quickly just responds with whatever thought is in his mind.
This happens to us, we walk into the conference room, no one looks up, the first thing our brain thinks is "what's wrong?" The difference is that we are adults and we have gone into rooms with groups many times and we use our impulse control to investigate and notice further and pick up clues about what is happening in the room
Many people with ADHD brains jump to conclusions quickly and usually stick with the negative message.
Also you will see it in my other responses make sure you ALWAYS name how you imagine they BOTH felt, they both reacted and what you expect BOTH of them to do next time.
In the example where he goes to her and screams, it may be hard to know why he screamed so the conversation can go like this:
To your daughter:
You got very scared and angry when your brother screamed at you. But no matter how angry we are, it is not okay to scream at others. Next time find Mami and tell me to help you
To your son:
Looks like you must have been very frustrated or sad since you came into where your sister was playing and started screaming at her. Can you tell me what you wanted or were thinking since it's hard for me to tell?
Then, when he fills you in, you can tell him and her what they can do next time.
Watch this it may help: