Question
I know that dealing with meltdowns is a very popular subject in this group but I still do not know how to manage when they happen.
Today my almost 4-year-old had an epic tantrum and although I was able to be calm and did not care about the looks I got from everyone around me, I was exhausted after his tantrum.
I am very good at preventing situations that can trigger them such as lack of sleep, hunger, too many activities .. etc but unfortunately I had to make a quick stop at the store today after school (which I know is not the best time because he is tired) but he was in good spirits and very cheerful so I thought maybe it was okay because it was not going to take more than 10 minutes.
He saw a small toy he wanted and I did not mind buying it but i had to use the restroom before and I told him very clearly to no open the door and try to escape from the restroom
while I was using it (which he finds very funny to do and has done before and I had to run out after him with my pants down).
But he did open the door and thank goodness a lady in the bathroom stood in front of the door so he could not escape. Nevertheless, I was a little upset about the situation so when I went to pay for the items I looked at him and very calmly told him that I was very disappointed he had chosen no to listen to me when I asked him to keep the door of the bathroom closed and therefore I was not getting the toy. He promised he wasn't going to do it again (he has done that before) but I still said no to the toy.
Oh boy the meltdown was epic , it took me a long time to get him in the car seat, he screamed all the way home, and in the elevator…
I do not like using rewards for behaviors or a way to punish my son, and I thought about getting the toy but...
1. He has way too many toys.
2. He did not listen in the bathroom so why was I going to reward his behavior?
At the end he fell asleep at home exhausted from his tantrum and I am thinking ..
What could I have done better?
Should I have bought the toy?
I am sure that would have prevented the meltdown in the first place but I really need to teach him to listen to me especially in situations that can be dangerous like running away from public bathrooms.
Answer
Not buying the toy was appropriate in this situation...
What could you have done differently?
If you know he runs out of the bathroom stall because he has low impulse control you have to engage him with something else.
For example:
1. Remind him it is not okay to run out of the bathroom because it's not safe.
2. Make up a song you sing to him while holding his hands while you use the bathroom (YES, super hard) but keep it playful. For example, sing "do we run, NO NO, do we sing YES YES, Do we run NO NO Do we clap YES YES” and keep doing that until you are done.
3. When you can't sing because you are wiping or taking care of yourself, describe what you are doing. For example: "Mommy is pulling the toilet paper, then hand him a piece. Mommy is wiping her privates” and continue describing it like if you were a sportscaster.
The tantrum in the store was normal.
You handled it well.
Another day, another opportunity to continue helping him learn to manage his impulses and his big feelings.