Question
Our child has had two incidents at school in the past two weeks that we are very concerned about. The first time they exposed themself at dismissal to their classmates after being dared by others. The second time they were sitting in a circle with their peers and reached a hand up another child’s shorts. The child was very alarmed and upset of course. The school notified us both times, both times we remained curious and offered important information on consent, private parts and what they are and what is ok and isn’t ok. We were also very clear that it is absolutely not ok to touch others ever. We have always had this conversation as a “repeat and remind” so it’s not new. They understand what is ok.
But we are very worried that perhaps something has occurred that is leading to these behaviors. We are very careful about screens and what is watched and everything is prescreened by us. We do not own an Xbox or any type of video game console. There is no open access to the internet. We are starting to look at the time that has spent on FaceTime with the best friend that moved away.
Could this other child have been exposed and shared this with our child?
How do we speak to our child about this so that they feel safe and open with us enough to share?
Answer
Does this behavior show evidence that they may have been exposed to sexual things beyond their age group?
Not sure...a way to wonder with a child IF they have been exposed is to make the question broad.
For example:
You can ask: "sometimes kids your age see things about private parts that are confusing to them. This sometimes makes kids want to play and learn more about private parts so they can understand for themselves. How about you? Do you have questions about private parts beyond what we have talked about?"
This is a way to open up the conversation in a way where your child won't feel cornered or wrong.
That being said, children between 4-8 years old are fascinated with private parts, potty humor and all things genitals. It is actually a sexual development marker. Just like all other development markers, some do it more than others. But there is a spectrum of interest around these topics from ages 4-8 for all children.
The other important social emotional marker happening as the one above is how to be social, what are the social norms and social rules...the easiest way to get a laugh and to finish a social circle in this age group is to make potty jokes and talk genitals...some children take that short cut, especially those who have trouble with being social. It's so easy to make others connect with you with this strategy so they repeat it. Also if the 4-8 year old has low impulse control it's hard for them to stop.
Keep repeating and reminding. Answer questions about genitals. Answer questions about how to finish circles of friendship and interacting with others.
Here is a blog I wrote on normative sexual development to keep your parent mind at ease and to refer to when it gets confusing: Tips to Help Parents Answer Sex Related Questions form Early Childhood to Teens
Here's a blog I wrote on sexual abuse and its signs: What Parents need to Know About Child Sexual Abuse
If the child is 10 and older then these are signs that they may not be managing the topic of consent and sexual development well. A child older than 10 understands the rules on private parts, very few will have this behavior in this age group. It is important to have a thorough and deep conversation about consent and how to manage their curiosity with sexuality.
In this age group, the use of sexuality and its many subjects feeds their internal need to feel special, to feel physical pleasure and to attain external praise. It is also a way to calm their nervous system and their anxious responses. Being sexual or connecting romantically with another person creates responses in the brain's pleasure circuitry. Sometimes a child's need to feel less anxious causes them to seek pleasure often. Sex and romantic relationships are an easy way to obtain this.
For children 10 and older, the sex talk is a must.