Question
My 4yo son gets set off when he doesn’t have control, or rather, when he has something in his head (ie I want to play the game this way, or I want to be first in line), and then it doesn’t work out that way. He reacts before he thinks, and that sometimes results in a tantrum, throwing something, or hitting. He’s having a hard time following directions, if it’s not in line with what he has decided to do. How can we help him slow down, process what’s going on, then react? How can we get him to express his thoughts in words, more calmly?
Answer
What you are describing perfectly is how a child shows their lack of impulse control.
In his age group the range of controlling impulses is wide. But when you have a little one that is active, sensitive to their emotional reflexes AND a leader - WELL you get what you are describing.
So, what to do:
1. Get calm first. You find your feet, release three tight spots in your body, then breathe - these 45 seconds that it will take you to calm your nervous system is worth it. Your son uses your nervous system to calm his. If you are on high alert when you give him a prompt to stop, he will ignore to deflect and defend against your energy or defend himself by hitting, throwing etc…
2. Whenever you are prompting him to stop doing something that he is not going to WANT to stop doing you have to FIRST name his goal "Buddy, you want to put all the cars in a row".
3. Label his feelings, "It makes you angry and frustrated that you have to stop. But it's time to take a bath".
4. Be silent and begin to clean up or move towards the task you are asking him to do. Tolerate and calm yourself. Stay silent, give loving glances at your son, breath, release the tension in your muscles and NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS, just respond with "lets calm our bodies before we speak, the feelings need to pass first". Your tone of voice and energy is incredibly important at this time. It can takes child anywhere between 9-20 minutes to calm down.
Usually naming the goal, so they know that you are aware of what they are up to, helps them listen to your prompt but this is not every time. Expect a 4 year old like your son to adjust to the rule you are setting 4 out of 10 times you prompt him.
Do the above consistently without fighting and you will see a shift within 3 to 6 weeks. It's a long term solution that builds his self management and his impulse control.