Question
OK. I feel like I am losing my cool with my child during the morning routine in particular . In the past, I’ve mentioned my child’s difficulty following instructions, transitioning, inattentiveness etc...
Our morning routines have been the same with small tweaks for years. I have been very regimented and routine oriented. This school year, kindergarten, in particular, is a major issue with getting ready.
She starts school early. Luckily she wakes by 6am or 6:30am and we leave the house by 7:45 AM so there is plenty of time to get ready.
She showers at night time and sleeps in her uniform. Check and check.
She basically looks at me dead in the face for every reminder to get ready every day (which is get shoes and socks on, make bed, brush teeth- very concrete and short).
I also stay with her or leave the room for 3 to 4 minutes at a time and return with gentle reminders since I need to get myself and a two year old ready. She has a checklist on a whiteboard in her room and all materials in one space! She has visual cue cards. I have tried handing them to her instead of being verbal since she ignores me and I get frustrated. We use timers as well. Noise and sand timers. I also get down to her level to make sure I have her attention and her eye contact before every prompt. I am at a total loss. I am sad, stressed and tired. She’s distracted by everything around her. I have always suspected ADHD and as she approaches six years old, though I am not a doctor, I am fairly confident it is that! The interesting part is that her teachers report that she is doing well at school, however they do see the impulsiveness, always rushing, easily distracted etc. I know that this is fairly typical for kids ages five and six in particular. However, I am feeling like I am drowning and at my wits end. The mornings are atrocious and it takes me hours to cool down once I get her to school. She is making her little sister late for school and it’s just a vicious cycle. I really don’t know what else to do. I have read and researched so much and I think I’m out of options. I noticed this question-issue was on last week's call and had the opportunity to listen to the entire hour of the call too. Sadly, I feel like we do all of the things that are recommended. Any other suggestions or help. Maybe we need a private call with you or to seek evaluations and therapy. I just don’t know. My special education background is no longer helping.
We try and problem solve together and we come up with good plans, but they are short lived. I know she probably can’t help it, and I want to support her and not be mad!
Answer
You are definitely doing all the appropriate actions to help guide her through the morning routine.
When you have a discussion with her about the morning routine have you asked her what she thinks could be the solution? Without you giving any input?
A conversation can go like:
I notice all the plans mommy has to get us out and early to school have failed. We fight and leave upset. What do you think would help?
Then listen in and see if she tells you new information. The trick is to not give any input, just listen for what she thinks is the issue and how she can be helped.
Then change according to her suggestion.
Also, if the plans are short lived, it's not that they are broken, it's that they need small tweaks here and there.
It is important to see this morning routine as evolving rather than certain. If you take that stance it will help you stay out of being frustrated.
The nervous system and mood that needs the most care is your own. The minute you start feeling frustrated in the morning it is time to Stop, Breathe, and Start again.
In essence you are doing something similar to your daughter, repeating bad behavior on your part. It is important to manage what you can control in this scenario, which is your mood. Your responses to your daughter can't be tied to how she responds - in this way there will never be a solution.
For the next month, work on settling yourself and not losing it in the morning and don't work on changing any of the ways you guide her...just work on staying calm, no matter what.