Question
My son has always been a highly sensitive kid that is highly aware of everything and everyone around him but I have noticed that as he is getting older he keeps looking for more validation from the outside and I really want to help him change this because it is a struggle for him whenever he does not get this.
To give you an example, this weekend he was playing around the pool with clothes on and ended up falling inside. When this happened people started laughing (i mean it was a funny incident). Immediately he became really mad and started hitting me because people were “making fun of him”. I tried to explain that they were not laughing at him but rather that what happened was funny but I am not sure how to help him with being less concerned of what people think and how they act.
Another thing I have been experiencing is the black and white thinking. I know it is normal but I feel like I am walking on eggshells a lot with him.
When something does not turn out the way we agreed, or I don’t pick him up at the exact time, he doesn’t find the exact gum he wanted at the supermarket he has a tantrum (his age type of tantrum) “you are the worst mom ever” and he starts hitting me.
I have been talking to him about this at night and he apologizes but in the moment it is highly triggering for me.
Answer
His response is perfectly normal for his age group.
Feeling embarrassed is the most triggering emotion for school age children. Adults laughing because he fell in the pool is absolutely humiliating for a child his age. You handled it well by explaining why the adults were laughing but expecting him not to be embarrassed is not appropriate for his age.
When he gets disappointed that something didn’t turn out the way he wanted, all you have to say is, “yes it’s so disappointing that you couldn’t find the gum you wanted….” and then you’re done. No need to help him feel better or find a solution.
It’s important to just be with him in the disappointment.
You can also say, “this disappointment is overwhelming your body so I am going to stay quiet and breathe to wait for this big feeling to pass”. No more talking.
Repeat this and it will help him learn to tolerate emotions.
It will also help you calm down as well.