Question
About a month ago, my almost 5yo daughter had major issues around not going to school and extracurricular refusal. On top of being sick with a cold, she has also started refusing lunch at school (no matter if it's indoor/outdoor).
At first she didn’t want to sit with friends on top of not wanting to eat, then the teachers worked on making her sit at the table even if she doesn’t eat. Now, one month later, she still doesn’t want to eat at school.
She is getting more and more upset even when she is asked to sit at the table now.
We have tried different things to entice her, such as, giving some treats to the teacher to give to her if she eats some lunch and putting some treats inside her lunchbox to encourage her to at least open the lunch box. None of these worked and she only wants to wait until she is picked up to eat in my/nanny’s car… I also asked if she would eat on a bench at school before going into my car and she also said no. I also changed her lunchbox… asked teachers to sit her next to her best friends etc.
We did some investigation work, and it’s not about the food she brings (offered to order school lunch and prepared food she normally would eat), but she continues to say things like “I was not hungry, I forgot to eat etc…” so we think it’s related to her anxiety around people during lunch.
Do you have some ideas on what we can try to encourage her to eat with friends in school again? (outside of school at a friend's birthday party - she ate happily with her friends).
I am confused and feel like I am at my wit's end, and not sure what to do…
Answer
The answer is to stop pushing and talking about it.
Yup, you have done all the right things. Now it’s time for her to choose to eat or not eat at school.
Make sure to tell her that you will send her lunch box with meals she likes to eat.
Then tell her no one will ask her to eat or talk about eating. The only thing teachers and parents will do is have her sit at the table and give her the lunchbox.
You will let her make the decision to eat or not.
Also, tell her after school she can eat at home at a table not in the car. So get her home to eat but make sure it is at a table, since we need her brain to associate the meal with the table.
Do this consistently no matter what and you may see the shift.
For her to manage the social anxiety she feels at school everyone needs to relieve the anxiety created by everyone talking about eating.
One stressor at a time.
Talk to her psychotherapist about this as well so they can process the social anxiety of eating at school in treatment.