“Your child is a person to understand, not a problem to solve.”

— Lina Acosta Sandaal

What the Science Tells Us

The Brain and Behavior

The connection between non-verbal and verbal communication in the brain is a long term process happening between 0 – 4.5 years of life, hence the ability to verbally label an emotion is non-existent and is often the cause of the challenging behavior
Children feel the physiological characteristics of emotion(tight throat, sweating, tense muscles) before they know what those responses are, often the true culprit of challenging behavior
Neuro-scientists understand that emotional regulation and cognition to make decision with said information does not finish developing until about 25- 30 years of age. The foundation for this activity in the brain is set primarily between 0-3 years old.
Children between 5-7 years old have concrete thinking. When they see themselves as “bad” they may defend against which can be experienced by an adult as oppositional or difficult behavior.
The brain develops from bottom to top and right to left. Each hemisphere having a different process and function. The task in parenting and in the full development of the brain is for all areas to work together.

Breakdown of Brain Areas

Top Brain- sophisticated system:

Thinking-self-understanding, morality
Imagining- empathy
Planning – control of emotions and body

Bottom Brain – primitive system:

Fight, Flight, Freeze responses
Automatic responses- blinking, breathing
Houses the Amygdala

The Left Brain is:

Logical
Literal
Linguistic
Linear

The Right Brain is:

Autobiographical– memories, day to day interactions
Experiential - non-verbal cues, “gut feelings”, physical perceptions
Emotional

Parents and Their Effect on Behavior

When parents are not on the same page or respond differently to their children they cause confusion and challenging behavior in the child
Parents often speak too long and with complicated messages causing a child to misunderstand and act out behavior rather than ask about their confusion
Attempting to “fix, avoid, or distract” an emotional outbursts creates most if not all of the challenging behavior in children. For example if your child is persistent about what they want/need and you “sometimes” give in to their wishes because “you’re done” then by default you have created this pattern of behavior
All children, in particular, children under the age of 5 will “show” you how they feel rather than “tell you”. When your child displays difficult behavior wonder what is the behavior telling me, rather than why are they behaving this way?
Children need to connect to the parent to understand that they are seen, safe, and soothed. Turn the phrase “they need my attention” to “they need my affection” most behavioral issues will lessen

Prevention

Routine, Rules and Rituals

Children understand time and feel safe when they can predict and know what comes next. Set up a routine that you follow most days than not and most behavioral problems will lessen. Time is not important - it is about the sequence of the routine rather than the time of day.

Here is an example of typical day routine for children under 3:

Awake
Breakfast
Outside play/walk
1st nap (if under 2)
Free play time
Lunch
Play/activity
Afternoon nap/Quiet Time (if under 5)
Play/activity
Dinner
Bedtime Routine

Here is an example of typical day routine for children over 5:

Awake
Breakfast
School/Activity on the Weekend
Lunch (Weekend)
Homework/Play/after-school activity/Family time
Quiet moment (Weekend)
Dinner
Bedtime Routine

The basics on eating & sleeping

Most of the time behavior is linked to sleep deprivation and hunger

Most children need to eat every three hours, make sure they are having meals and snacks throughout the day to keep them from feeling hungry. Some nutritionists agree that a diet high in protein and vegetables can help children remain leveled and less hyper. Visit this website for great tips on eating.

A child is sleep deprived when they have not had the allotted amount of time needed for their body and neurology to recoup.

Here are sleep statistics needed for children 0 months to 11 years old:(source Dr. Weissbluth and Zero to Three):

0-4 months

Most newborns 0-4months will sleep a total of 16-17 hrs. in a 24 hour period with the longest sleep period being 4-5 hrs. If your under-4-month-old has a consolidated night time sleep of 4-5 hours, they are sleeping through the night.
Do not expect predictable sleep patterns before 4 months

4-11months

Sleep a total of 14-15 hours in a 24 hour period
Take 2-3 naps, lose 3rd nap around 9 months, daytime sleep totals 3-4hours
Sleep approximately 11 hours a night
Most wake up at night to feed 2 times. No need for feeding after 9 months, check in with pediatrician to make sure they have reached the appropriate weight to stop feeding. This is different if breastfed and in the family bed, as those babies eat, sometimes without waking, at night indiscriminately

1-2 y.o.

Sleep a total of 12.5-14 hours in a 24 hour period
82% of 1 y.o. have two naps lasting about 3.5 hrs. total
56% of 2 y.o. have one nap lasting 1.5-2 hours total
26% of children wake up at night at least 3 times a week
20% of children wake up at night five or more times per week
Consolidation of sleep is not yet learned at this phase

3-6 y.o.

3-5 y.o. sleep a total of 11 to 12.5 hours in a 24 hour period
5-6 y.o. sleep a total of 11 to 12 hours in a 24 hour period
91% of 3 y.o. still have one nap lasting 1.5-2 hours
50% of 4 y.o. have one nap
25% of 5 y.o. nap;
naps usually disappear by age 6

7-11y.o.

Sleep a total of 9 to 12 hours in a 24 hour period
Most go to sleep later than their younger friends ranging from 7:30-9pm

Intervention

Begin by asking yourself:

What is their goal?
What do they gain from the behavior?
How often have they attained their goal with this challenging behavior?

In the moment

Speak to the goal – if at all possible give a positive alternative or give them a positive way to attain their goal.
Narrate and label feeling
Set a clear and understandable boundary
If setting a consequence make sure it is quick and in the moment rather than days later.

Handling an active tantrum children under 4.5:

Label and narrate about their feeling state
Tell them they need to take a moment to calm down their “big feeling”
Give option to hold or be left alone
If child is in a safe space leave them where they are
If you need to move them to safety, narrate what you will do to them and their body while moving them (ie. “I’m going to move your body to put you in a safe space until you feel better”)
If the child is hurting you or others you can hold them, again narrating what you are doing and why you are doing it
If you hold orrestrain them stay quiet and breathe deeply wait until child calms down

Handling loss of control or reactive emotion children 5 and up:

Label and narrate about their feeling state
Tell them they need to take a moment to calm down their “big feeling”
Give option to hold or be left alone
If child is in a safe space leave them where they are
If you need to move them to safety, narrate what you will do to them and their body while moving them (ie. “I’m going to move your body to put you in a safe space until you feel better”)
If the child is hurting you or others you can hold them, again narrating what you are doing and why you are doing it
If you hold orrestrain them stay quiet and breathe deeply wait until child calms down

LATER

Tell the story of what happened
Work together on solutions and rules for the future

“You cannot scream or negotiate away an active tantrum.
”

— Lina Acosta Sandaal

When to seek a professional opinion

If child is older than 4.5 and you have implemented these strategies consistently for at least 6 weeks and there is minimal change
If child seems to seek or avoid sensorial experiences (ie. Spinning, not sitting still, covering ears to sound) and parent has observed that tantrum is triggered by this