Question
We had a little incident at a playdate recently. We met another family at the park for lunch. My daughter doesn't know the little girl all that well, but she had a lot of fun on the playground with her. We went on to ride the train at the park and she said she wanted to sit alone (vs with her friend). I said, “oh honey, let's sit with our new friend” and she said no. There were limited seats so the other mom sat with her daughter and son in the front row seat (it was a quick shuffle). My daughter had a fit because she wanted to sit in the front and kept saying "no one is listening to me." She and I ended up sitting together a few seats away from them and she kept saying "they are so mean, they are so stupid, I am never playing with them again, I just want to scream so badly."
I figured it would fade but then we went to ride the carousel and the mom and her son and daughter got on a horse next to my daughter. You could tell she didn't enjoy the ride at all (she normally loves it) and afterwards she threw herself on the floor and kept repeating how mean they were and "why doesn't anyone listen to me?" In that moment I was saying, "oh honey that was really hard, it's so frustrating when we don't feel heard but I don't think they heard you, they were not trying to be mean", etc etc. She just couldn't get over it. The other family finally had to go and then my daughter went on to play at the park happily by herself for 90 mins. However, she kept stepping through an area where 2 other girls were playing and building with sand and kept saying they were in her way (totally acting out).
Should I have just taken her home right after the train ride? I am afraid that would have caused an even bigger scene. I struggle with these situations especially when I don't know the other Mom that well and feel like I need to apologize for my daughter’s behavior.
Also, why does she get particularly stuck around the “no one is listening to me” scenarios?
On a positive note, she went to a new friend's bday party yesterday where she didn't know anyone. We talked several times about why she was nervous, I normalized her feelings, etc. She went and threw herself right in and had a great time. I was SO proud of her!
Answer
This is a “depends” answer… I would say that more often than not I would take her home but NOT as a punishment or consequence more as an opportunity for her to experience the necessity she has to reset and calm her emotional system down. At this age you would have to leave these situations when she is rigidly stuck in the overwhelming emotional response. As she ages, she will learn to walk away, do some sort of calming exercise and engage again. As an adult, she will still feel the overwhelm but know how to manage it on the spot with several tools to calm.
Keeping her in the space kept her brain stuck. The key is to send the message that her brain and emotions are stuck and it's time to leave in order to calm. Also, less words and more calming of the body is best. When she is stuck in overwhelm there is no amount of logic that will pull her out.
You will have the opportunity to be logical later in the day when her brain is back to calm.
Most of the time people "aren't listening..." in her experience. Her body and anxiety are telling her she is in danger but people around her are telling her "no, you're okay..."
That's the fine line with helping an anxious child and the big reason why it is more important to manage the physical sensation of the interaction rather than logic. At that moment, her entire nervous system was probably in fight mode, heart beating fast, tight shoulders, etc.…
So when you say "they didn't mean it..." your logical message does not match her nervous system's response to the situation. Therefore, in her internal experience "you are not listening".
In the moment, always go to the body and say, "uff, I can see how tight your body is getting, lets stop and wait to solve this with our friends. First we need to calm your heart beating and the tightness in your body so your thinking brain can help us solve the problem. Let's calm your body". This is the ‘repeat and remind’ we have to do with an anxious person. Anxiety hijacks the thinking brain and tells the brain to defend itself...she did by blaming the kids for her disappointment.