Question
This morning was kind of alarming. As both girls are getting ready for school, I hear my 7yo daughter singing in a calm voice but all of the sudden the song is saying "I hate myself therefore I want to kill myself". In a "la,la,la" sort of way...
I quickly went to the room and as I started asking who sang that, she ran away to the other room. I asked her why she was singing that, and to repeat what she said. She starts crying saying she does not want to say it because she knows I'm angry at her. I tell her, “I'm not angry but I am concerned about these words that you are singing”. I asked, “Did you make that song up or did you hear it somewhere?” She says that she heard two boys at school singing it and it stuck in her head. I asked if the teacher said anything and she said no, but I don't know if she even heard it. Then I ask her, “do you know what you are repeating, are you aware of what these words mean?” She said no first and then she said yes. I explained to her that hate is a strong and angry word and should not be used just like that and that to kill means to take away life and not be here ever again. I told her, “You don't want to say that to yourself or to anybody; it is not right”.
I was so upset I even mentioned how precious they both are because it took a long time for them to finally arrive in Mommy and Daddy's life and how they are both miracles to us.
Did I have the wrong approach to this?
Should I have said something different and if so should I bring this subject up again?
I don't know if I should mention this to the teacher, the parents of these boys or what. Help!
Answer
You handled it with the severity it deserved. All your messages were clear and helped her understand what she was saying was not safe or kind.
Check in with her one last time but this time say, "Of all the things mommy said about the song you were singing, what do you remember the most?" Then see what she says and this will give you a clear picture of what stuck with her. Then in this calm conversation you can repeat the lesson outside of the big stressor the two of you were in last time.
Yes, tell the teacher about the song. Let them know you are unclear if your daughter heard it from another student or just made it up. Let the teacher know you have handled the information at home but you are telling them to give an opportunity to the parents of the boys to also have this important conversation.
One last thing to help your heart...if she did hear the song it is normal for children to repeat and play around with something they heard that they do not understand. This is called mastery, just like when they are toddlers and keep choosing the same book to read until they master it. Children in the school-age years will repeat a phrase or "play out" something they do not understand to try to make sense of it. Therefore the quick conversation you had with her gave her more information.