QUESTION
Yesterday my teenage daughter pierced her ear to put on another earring… She had told me a long time ago that she wanted to and I told her yes, that I also wanted to do it but we would do it later, that we could start with one of those that are like clips before we make a hole. It passed for a while, but a week ago she started not only wanting to get one, but that she wanted to do it HERSELF.
After a lot of threatening us with doing it and telling her about the possible risks and solutions (like using those temporary ones) yesterday she came out of her room with a needle through her ear: I did it! (Full of pride, while I can’t even look)
There is nothing left to say but: and did it hurt? Did you disinfect it? Here I have a gold earring for you…
I understand that teenagers are impulsive and like to try new things…how can we address that next time? I can't punish her for doing it but I can't let her do whatever she wants, right? What if tomorrow she wants to experience something more dangerous? HELP!!!
ANSWER
Yup...this can happen with older kids and young teens. It's a mixture of their need for novelty and risk taking with a dash of zero impulse control.
The conversation to have with her is about how she has hurt the trust in your relationship. Let her know that freedom and personal needs can't come at the expense of her relationships. Well, they can, but she will lose what she yearns for which is a connected and trusting relationship. It is also important to tell her that it is healthy and important for her to disagree with you, because this is part of becoming an adult. But lying and not having the integrity to respectfully make her point and share her ideas is not how you wish for her to be in the world. She disagreed about getting a second earring, that is fine. The mistakes she made were:
1 - Not being able to state a clear case for why she disagreed with you - losing an opportunity to show her thoughts and ideas to the two of you.
2 -She lied and showed a lack of integrity.
3 - She created a lack of trust in your relationship.
All three are not ways to be moving towards launching into adulthood. She needs to hear and know this.
As our children get older it is important to speak to them about how their actions affect the people around them, how it creates who they are and their character.