Question
Lately I feel like parenting is weighing quite heavy. My 9yo son and 6yo daughter both have very strong personalities. Currently, we have so many issues that are consistently happening. Both children show no respect to the parent/child dynamic. When either my husband or myself give an instruction they simply ignore it. I can repeat what I just said and it will continue until I get upset and then they react or I just give up because they do not listen. For example, the other night my son was wearing his Kung Fu uniform, which is white. I told him to take the top off since I had made spaghetti and if he got the sauce on it, it would stain. He refused to change and then his sister got some of the sauce on the shirt. He was really upset and blamed his sister and I told him that if he would have listened and followed directions that would not have happened.
Another example was yesterday while at a birthday party, it was time for us to leave. I went to where the kids were, and I told them that we were leaving, and it was time to say goodbye. My son told me he didn’t want to leave and then ran off back to his friends in the trampoline area amongst the sea of other kids where he then was hiding. I saw him duck down, which was just adding fuel to the flame. Because I was so angry, I walked away and I got my daughter and I told her to put her shoes on and that we were leaving, surprisingly she did, and I told her to wait as I needed to get her brother. As I went back to get him, I told him that we needed to leave and I didn’t appreciate him hiding and ignoring me. He followed me back to the table where now my daughter tells me that she needs to say goodbye to one of the girls who is still in the trampoline area, and she begins to take off her shoes. I tell her no that we need to leave and she completely ignores me and runs off. At this point, I literally wanted to cry. This constant tug of war is exhausting. I try to stay calm and explain things to them but they ignore me. When I’m pushed to the edge, I snap and yell and lose it. When people see the struggle and witness this battle they offer their parenting advice. My mom tells me that I need to be tougher which means more yelling and instilling fear. My husband says how this wouldn’t fly when he was a kid because he was raised by his grandparents, and they would have used a belt, which I also don’t believe in because it goes back to having them fear me. Help!!! I feel so lost!
Answer
First thing - strong personalities is actually proof that you have given your children the freedom and safety to be authentically themselves with you. Older generations of parents saw "good children" as children who stayed quiet and did as they were told. BUT that was at the expense of the relationship between the child and the parent.
Sounds like the "yelling" and/or the "giving up" have become the consistent response to the children. So they are both waiting for the scream or the giving in. Its a dance that you are describing perfectly - the karate and not changing example is a giving in - the party, well that was also a form of giving in...going into the trampoline and grabbing him the first time you told him to come would have worked best then you would have had both of them putting on their shoes.
In the end what you can work on is consistency in how you respond to them and how you set boundaries and expectations moving forward.
So the way to set a boundary and tell them how to manage is with 1-2-3:
1. Give them the voice prompt - "Hey it's time to clean up and put away the toys" once.
Only once do you give a voice prompt. If you are screaming from the kitchen and have told them to clean up with just your voice 10 times...well that is why they are not moving.
2. Voice and physical proximity prompt - get close to them, touch them and/or make sure they are looking at you and say, "hey it's time to clean up and put away the toys. I will put away the puzzles and you put away the cars". In this one you say the prompt and you help a bit while being very specific about what they are to do. If they say, "no, I won't" just begin to pick up. If one of them follows and the other doesn't, look at the one that is listening and say "Yes, thank you for picking up right away! I know how hard it is to pick up"
3. Voice and help "Time to clean up. You are showing me you are having a hard time. I will sit here and wait until you are done, with your side of clean up" then sit in silence. If they walk away, bring them back. But the key is to stay calm and silent.
Do this every single time, fast 1, 2, 3… it will take time for them to listen - so give yourself at least 2 months to see results. You're doing okay - just make sure you do #2 voice and proximity; it is the most important.
For the Kung Fu uniform this is how it could have gone:
1- Voice - “Hey buddy time to take off your uniform”
2 - Voice and Proximity - make sure he sees you and/or touch "hey buddy, I know you're tired, but it's time to take off uniform”
3- Voice and Help - "you are showing me you can't take off your uniform by yourself, so I am going to help you" then move to him and begin to take off the Kung Fu jacket and hand him clothes to change into.
This 1, 2,3 does not guarantee zero push back or screams of "no"...but it will lessen them