Question
In yesterday's call one of the questions had to do with not wanting to do a piano recital. This also happened to my son recently. The difference here is that from the first time I asked him if he wanted to do the recital he said NO.
I asked why and it was because he felt scared to perform in front of so many people, that he would feel embarrassed. I tried to convince him and tell him he had done it before and had done great, that we all know he is learning so it doesn't matter if he messes up but it didn’t work.
He never said yes to doing a recital so it is not like he had committed to it. He had already done two piano recitals when he was smaller in the same academy but with a different teacher who he loved. He does like his new teacher very much but has told me he thinks of and misses the previous one.
I wonder if I should’ve told him he had a recital instead of asking him. I told him yesterday that he was going to have another recital in winter so he needs to get ready because he is going. He looked worried but didn’t argue. He had his graduation presentation in school where he sang with his class and he did great, and there was a big audience of all the parents so it’s not like he has stage fright.
Another thing that worries me is that he doesn’t like to practice. He just goes to class, which he enjoys, and seems to memorize and remember what they teach him in half an hour once a week without ever practicing. I used to practice with him but I have been busy with work and we have been giving school work priority. I’m going to be getting more strict with practice but if he still doesn’t want to, should I threaten him saying that I will take him out of piano classes if he doesn't practice?
Answer
The best way to help him practice is to help him build the two skills he needs, which he doesn’t have because he is little: managing the frustration of doing a task that is difficult and habit formation.
How do you help with that?
Add piano practice to the routine. That way he can predict it will happen.
If he complains, respond with “yes of course it’s hard and you feel frustrated, that’s normal, it’s part of learning how to build a habit and be responsible”.
This response works for homework too. Also add “when we are building a habit, first we feel frustrated but when we’re done we are proud”.
Be mindful that it’s the frustration he is avoiding, not the piano.
Consequences or threats don’t help here since it is not wise to punish emotional responses.