Question
My four year old has a friend who is a very sweet boy but he is highly emotional and has outbursts every time someone touches his toys or touches him. At the beginning when his friend was having an outburst my son would look at him with curiosity and then would go and play with someone else. But it seems that now he and other friends of the summer camp are getting a kick out of making this little boy upset and keep bothering him because they noticed he easily cries.
I already told my son that it is not okay to bother our friends if they do not want to be bothered. I also mentioned to him that if other boys are bothering his friend he needs to defend his friend and not be part of it and tell the teacher. But he answered that his friend is no longer his friend and that he is going to defend the other ones.
I asked him how he would feel if someone starts bothering him the way they are bothering his friend but he does not seem to understand me. How can I cultivate kindness and explain to him the message that it is not okay to bother other kids??
I thought we had that clear but it seems that now that he has some new friends he is starting to act like them and had forgotten all that I taught him before. He is also using language that is not acceptable such as “disgusting” and now everything is disgusting. The food is disgusting, the toys are disgusting, he even calls me disgusting in a playful way or when he gets upset at me.
I keep telling him no to use those words but he continues.
What do you recommend?
Are there any books I can read with him at night that can help me cultivate kindness and respect?
Because no matter how many times I tell him to be nice with his friend he says ‘no’ and every time I tell him no to use nasty words he does it more just for fun because he knows he gets a reaction from me.
Answer
Everything that you are describing are ways that children practice social norms and social rules. Following the group by teasing his old friend is practicing being one of many, using similar slang/words like others (e.g. disgusting ) is also learning to be one of many and the jokes and teasing is also part of learning how to be social.
He is repeating it constantly because just like when he was learning to walk and he pulled up on everything he is now doing that for this developmental marker.
What to do:
1. Continue to send the message that we can have fun with friends but if someone is sad or crying we help or walk away.
2. Add empathy and tell him you know he is trying to have fun with his friends when they bother the other child but he should try to help his other friends find something else to do together and that you know it’s hard when those other friends don’t listen to him.
3. When he says “disgusting” ignore the word but address the emotion and message behind the word. For example, “you wanted chicken not beans and you’re disappointed“; that’s it, he already knows you don’t like the word so stop repeating that message.
4. If he uses “disgusting” to tease or joke with you, say, “you are trying to be funny and have fun with mami, how about we play a game of tickle instead?”
Again ignore the word and address his motivation instead.
Also tell the teachers how you are managing this at home so they can back you up at school.