Question
My 3.5 yo daughter is a very determined, assertive leader. Very different from my son. Slowly I’m learning to channel that big girl energy. However, I get really annoyed (maybe even triggered) with her anger. She feels it in her whole body, makes faces, her body gets stiff, etc. Lately she has been hitting us with whatever object or her hand…hard. At that moment, I grab her hand (so she doesn't hit me) and tell her we don’t hit. But this usually leads to MORE hitting and getting MORE angry. So it becomes a cycle of doom and the tantrum gets even bigger. Since she is hitting me I usually get up and move a bit further away and/or hold her hand. Other times I try to redirect her but that isn't working any more…I just want to make sure that I’m not making things worse. Que hago?
Answer
Remember the statistics:
3 major tantrums per hour
1 minor conflict every 3 minutes
This is for all children 2.5 - 4.5 years old
So what do you do?
Exactly what you are doing BUT make sure that you only say, "You're angry, but it's not okay to hit when angry" ONE TIME ONLY
Then everything else you do in silence - no words, no solutions, no debates.
Hold and release her hands each time she hits- quickly while also working on calming your nervous system by breathing and loosening tight spots in your body.
The key is to calm your nervous system so her system can mirror yours.