Question
When my daughter gets mad she goes from 0 to 60 and gets so big saying, “I hate this person”, “they are so stupid”, “I never want to see them again”, “go home” and will say it loud and repeatedly. Today one of the girls at school pushed the elevator button before she got to and was disappointed because she had asked to do it so she got so upset she threw herself on the floor of the elevator crying and screaming “I hate them” a thousand times, Which I think scared the other girls and moms. When this happens I feel deep deep compassion and embarrassment and at the same time I just want to help her. I got on her level and she just kept screaming and I let them all out and we took space. And then she was doing a bit better until we saw them again and then just made huffing noises. I shared with her that it’s great to have all of her feelings and all of her feelings are okay and welcomed even when they are uncomfortable but it’s not okay to call people stupid or say I hate you 100 times because then everything feels confusing and the attention moves away from what happened to begin with. We talk about other things we can say, such as, “I am feeling really mad” or “I am really Sad or disappointed”, or “I need space” (her idea).
What else can I do in the moment to help her not say things that make the whole thing worse or do I just embrace the tantrum in totality?
Thanks!
Answer
Yes, your response was exactly right. When she goes 0 to 60 there is no thinking. She is stuck in anger and disappointment like a phone stuck on roaming. The after conversation you gave her was excellent and exactly right. In the moment, when there are others around, you can help the others and your daughter by saying something like, "Oh wow, my daughter is really disappointed. She is using mean words that confuse and hurt you. It happens sometimes to some of us. I'm going to breathe and calm down to help her calm the feelings taking over her body and words"
Then silence. and, yes #embracethetantrum until it passes and her brain comes back online.