Question
A long winded question for you….
Potty language perpetuates. Even though I repeat/remind and carve out time where my son can get it out, he continues to use this language around his two year old brother. I don’t know how to stop this. He will say one word and and his little brother will grab onto that and repeat it over and over and there’s just no stopping this. I am ashamed to say I have resorted to threats and removing him from the room at times. I am also noticing that when one of them is naked this also becomes a big deal and they giggle, say whatever word has got them going and then try touching each other. I’m really struggling with this as I don’t know what is normative vs sending the wrong message around body safety. I am reminding myself that their story is different from mine (I have sexual trauma in my childhood) but I feel confused on what’s appropriate here. If my oldest son is teaching his younger brother that when someone touches his private parts it’s funny then how will he know when it’s wrong?? How do I deal with my own lens? Is there a script I can follow when the potty language starts or there is touching going on? Helpppppp
Answer
Yes, it is perfectly normal for children to joke and play around with potty humor and be interested and curious about their genitals. That being said, you bring up a great point about parenting.
How is our filter and how we see the world coloring how we respond and help our children?
Of course your past experiences with sexual trauma will create alarm and confusion in you when you see and hear your children doing things that are categorized as sexual. This is because our brain is an ASSOCIATION Machine and uses your past to make decisions about the present.
So what to do:
1 - Every time you see them or hear them play with this topic take 45-60 seconds to calm your BODY, this will give your brain the pause it needs from time traveling back to your trauma and to come back to the present moment. Things you can do in those 45 seconds:
a. Ground yourself - look around and name what you see, what you hear, what you feel.
b. Tighten all your muscles as tight as possible and let go. Do this 3X.
c. Sing or hum a song, any song, but the best ones are the ones with a rhythmic pattern - like the ones we hear in sporting events.
d. Place your thumb to your right nostril, breathe in through your left nostril - Place your index finger to your left nostril, exhale through your right nostril repeat...
2. Set the boundary for your boys - phrases you can use are as follows:
a. Potty words and jokes sound disrespectful to adults - try a different way to make each other laugh.
b. Our private parts belong to us. We do not touch each other's privates even if we're having fun.
3. Buy joke books for kids - so they have another way to make each other laugh - this is prevention.
4. For your oldest - get medical/anatomical pictures of a penis and a vagina - nothing fun just factual and show him. This can help decrease his curiosity.
5. Read this blog post I created that gives you age appropriate sexual development in children: https://stopparentingalone.com/blog/tips-to-help-parents-answer-sex-related-questions-from-tweens-teens?fbclid=IwAR2Bl6Zef__cs3C3eR5e0eS5PZ5pyg6B9_53lkP5KjJbVciWyjQH6IBTJBg