Question
My son is in 4th grade and in a new school and while he is making progress on his self-confidence, his grades have really suffered.
A total win was when he didn’t want to do his holiday show at his new school but decided to do it and had a blast!
Looking back, he should have repeated third grade. Now in fourth he has made great strides to improve his grades but is still on a third grade reading level. The conversation now is that he will be repeating fourth grade. I’ve called a lot of tutoring places and everyone is on a wait list so it’s obviously a big problem.
How can my husband and I have a conversation with him without his self-confidence suffering?
Answer
The most important message to give a child when we are telling them they have to repeat a grade is to let them know it is to help them NOT punish them.
This of course is hard since so many caregivers say "you will be left behind if you don't...." so when we tell them, "hey you will need to repeat..." they feel as though they have failed. This is why your mama gut is telling you to be careful and loving in how you speak to him about repeating fourth grade.
So, here is an idea of how the conversation can go:
First start with his strengths:
"We have watched you use your patience, manage your frustration and push yourself to do well on your reading, your friendships, etc....." "you pushed through your fear and did the holiday show and you were so successful" etc.
Second tell him the news:
“Us and your teachers agree that it will be the best for you to continue to grow as a student if you do fourth grade again.”
Third describe how it can help him:
“I see how hard you work on reading and doing the work. If you do it a second time now that you have already practiced once it will be easier and you will feel better about school and your school work.”
Fourth describe and ask what he may worry about:
"I know not moving on with your classmates will be hard for you. What else is worrying you?"
Whatever he says, JUST LISTEN… the first time you tell him about this do not try to solve his worries, especially the ones about his friends. Instead, just hold him and love him and say, "yes, buddy, it will be hard if they say that you are dumb because you got left behind. What do you imagine you can say if they say that?"
Five answer his questions:
"Do you have any questions?"
This is not a one and done conversation. There will be many from now until next school year. Do not worry that you have to get it exactly right the next time. This is more of an every time you talk about it you get better at your message thing.
Educational therapists are trained to help a student find the way THEY learn. With reading, you need a specialist and not necessarily a well meaning teacher who is tutoring on the side.