Question
Hoping to get your perspective on fairness and equality as it seems to be a big theme with my daughter. Everything these days is about feeling upset because so and so has something that is different from hers. For example, her sister’s cup of water is more full than hers, her sister gets to ride a scooter and she has a bike, Mommy's costume came earlier than hers, it goes on and on and on sometimes with big tantrums. We have been validating her feelings around it but we want to understand why she always feels cheated somehow that what she has is not as good as someone else. Also what language should we be using to help her through this? Thank you!
Answer
This is perfectly normal for children in her age group.
Children 3.5 - 6 years old compare and contrast, as well as, have rigid thought patterns.
It is less about not being satisfied and more about comparison.
So what to do when they compare and/or scream “not fair!”
1. Respond with a “yes and…”
“Yes it’s so disappointing that mommies Halloween costume came first but that’s how the mail works”.
“Yes the scooter does look so fun and you wish you could ride one but today we chose the bike…”
2. Let it go. No need to fix and/or solve it for them. Let them stay in the discomfort of things being different.
Repeat and remind
The lesson they are learning is the same they learn in playing board games. Sometimes we have things and sometimes we don’t.