Question
I really need guidance with my almost 8 year old daughter. She is so sweet, sensitive and super funny, but I’m noticing her resilience is waaaay down. She and her older sister (who’s 10) argue almost daily, and her response is tears (the massive meltdown version) and/or hitting her. She will not do basic things independently, like use the bathroom, brush teeth, make bed. She wants me with her all the time. I have to repeat myself several times to remind her of what needs to happen next. (Get on pj’s, put on shoes, etc) she’ll often whine and cry about having to do the everyday things we have to do. I’m finding that I am losing my patience, because her behavior has regressed to a much younger stage and I can’t seem to figure out how to empower her. I encourage her to use her words when she’s frustrated and when she feels so angry she might hit, to please ask me for help. She doesn’t do this. She gets easily discouraged when she can’t do the same things her older sister can do. I’m very sad to see my beautiful child having a hard time. I’ve been reading lots of parenting books/articles to find answers. I’m sure this is fallout from two years of covid life. But I want my happy and confident child back. Each day is filled with meltdowns (several meltdowns) and it has been going on for a while now. Please guide me! Thank you so much.
Answer
Couple of things jump out at me from your question.
The first one is the 8 and 10 year old age difference. 10-12 year old kids enter a phase in development that may be the culprit of some of their fights.
The 10-12 y.o. knows they are not little anymore AND they know they are not a big kid either. So they feel stuck in that in-between stage of being in the transition from being a little kid moving towards adolescence. Because of this they "play" or "try on" being a big kid and they flip between acting little or acting big.
The task at hand for parents of kids in this age group is to notice who woke up that morning. Are they choosing to be a little kid today? Are they choosing to act like a big kid today? They flip/flop between the two, until they actually hit adolescence.
For your 8 year old this can be really weird and confusing. It is possible that when your 10 year old wakes up wanting to "try on" being a Big Kid she doesn't have the patience to play and spend time with her sister who is a little kid. Your 8 year old experiences that as a rejection. Your 10 year old experiences her younger sister as annoying.
It's a difficult time for siblings because the younger ones tend to feel hurt and rejected, hence the fighting and the disagreeing.
Now if this resonates with you this is what needs to happen:
Let your 10 y.o. know its okay to want to have time to herself when she wants to do more "big kid" type things and she doesn't have to feel like she has to play or be with her sister. BUT she has to work on letting her sister know she needs "big kid" space in a kind way or to ask you for help setting that boundary.
Let your 8 y.o. know that her sister is changing and growing into a big kid and that there will be times when she needs time and space. Tell her she has to respect her sister in those times and know that it is not that she is rejecting her but more that she wants to do big kid things that are not things that she can do.
Tell her when her sister asks for space or wants to do big kid things that she has to find things for her to do on her own.
The day you speak with her, create a list of things she likes to do alone so when she gets stuck she can refer to the list. Also tell her she can come to you for a hug and help.
This is important for both of them and it will decrease some of the sibling fights to make this conscious to both of them.
Once your 8 y.o. is 12 and her sister is 14 they will be closer in development and you will see them be close again.
BUT for now, the only way there is peace is when your 10 year old decides she wants to be a little kid, which we can't ask her to do every time her sister needs her to because we would be asking her not to develop....SO...yeah bad news for the next four years...
The difficulty with daily hygiene and responsibility is also part of development.
Some kids hit this age and love being independent and taking care of themselves and others hit 8 and 3rd grade and feel like the world is asking too much of them. Both of these responses are the child learning and developing the social emotional skill of frustration tolerance and delay of gratification - These skills are necessary for children to be responsible.
Responsibility is difficult for children. They don't want to feel the frustration and can't understand why they have to do a task that feels bad. So the lesson is to let them know that when we brush our teeth or make our bed - we feel annoyed and frustrated while doing it (frustration tolerance) but when we are done we feel proud and happy (delay of gratification).
Kids in her age group have rigid thought patterns and when something feels bad then "its bad" and then they avoid it cause "its bad"....
The ambiguity and long term pride and joy of brushing your teeth or cleaning up is not cognitively available to them because of their black and white thinking.
ALSO she asks for your help and for you to be nearby because her brain associates you with easing her discomfort. You being nearby and helping her helps her tolerate the big feelings of frustration the responsibility creates.
This is a GOOD thing. This proves she has a positive and secure relationship with you.
So what to do:
1- Tell her about responsibility feeling frustrating and annoying in the moment BUT when done feeling proud and joyful.
2- Give her an example of a responsibility you have as an adult that feels frustrating and annoying but you feel proud and joyful when done. This way she knows its normal part of being independent and responsible.
3 - Stay near by when she has to do these things but don't do them for her.
For example, if she is having a hard time brushing her teeth, bring your tooth brush and brush beside her. Make conscious to her that you know she needs your body, your presence and your calm heart for her to do this responsibility but the goal is for her to do it on her own.
Do this with all responsibilities - Stay calm
NO NEED TO CONTINUE WORRYING because what she is doing is normal for her age group.
Finally, when a child is in the midst of a meltdown it is not a good idea to ask them to use their words.
In the midst of a meltdown do this:
1. Label their feelings - "oh honey, you are disappointed and jealous and it's making your body feel horrible"
2. Help them sit and tolerate the feeling - "I am going to breathe and calm my body so it can help you calm your body and this feeling to pass. Let's not talk anymore"
3. Look at the clock. Most kids will begin to calm within 9 minutes
Calm looks like - less words and sounds, the rigid and tense body becomes more loose and relaxed - if they ask for a hug HOLD AND HUG THEM
Then when they are calm THEN you could give your rules, explanations and solutions