Question
My question is about middle schoolers.
How does one connect with a middle schooler who doesn’t really want to connect with you? My son is almost 12 and really has no interest in hanging out with me and my spouse.
He pointed out that I am so much “nicer” to my 5yo daughter than to him - and I honestly think it is because she likes me and wants to hang out with me and is super affectionate. My son is rolling his eyes and avoids me until it is bedtime at which point I just want him to go to bed and no I don’t wanna hang out... or chit chat at that time. So how do I connect?
Should I just let him be? I don’t wanna ruin our relationship and my husband thinks if I keep going like this I am going to ruin our mother/son relationship and his relationship with other women in general. Help!
Answer
If you don't hang out when he asks you to hang out you are breaking the #1 rule of parenting a tween/teen:
Do not miss the moments of connection.
Be ready to engage and love when they approach.
What does that mean?
Children aged 10+ begin to seek independence and autonomy by moving away from the caregivers guidance and support. They begin to practice and find ways to solve their own problems, be with themselves and discover themselves separate from the caregiver. Each year this increases, until they launch into adulthood.
This is why so many parents fail at this phase of development - they experience their child's need for independence and autonomy as rejection.
His time alone during the day doing things that he enjoys is his time to explore who he is becoming. When he asks you to snuggle and talk about his experiences at the end of the day it is his way to check in and love you and process with you all he discovered on his own during the daytime hours. It is like when they just begin to walk and they go explore and then five minutes later they return and show you things of what they have done.
He is doing the same thing but in the big kid way. He is exploring his whole world.
Please don't miss the opportunity to connect and remember you no longer choose when that connection happens, he does...