Question
I wanted to ask you how I should react when I am not in the room and one of my boys (4.5 and 7) comes to me (sometimes crying, not always) saying that his brother hurt him or did something to one of his toys? It feels tricky because I didn’t see exactly what happened, but if I don’t do or say the right thing then it is bound to happen again. When I have seen these interactions sometimes it is by accident, sometimes it is deliberate. However it also seems that when they know we are not looking they may push things a bit more. Thoughts? Thank you
Answer
You do not have to be a detective. That is the first thing to hold in mind.
This is because relational conflict between siblings or in friendship needs to be managed, learned and processed by the children.
The role of the parent or any caregiver is to help them think about how to manage conflict, not get details so we can figure out who is a victim and who’s a perpetrator.
So next time one of them comes up and says that they’re sad or hurt or something happened. It is important to.
1- witness that feeling by saying something like “oh wow you’re so sad and disappointed you and your brother are fighting”
2- make them aware of their choice by saying something like “how were you able to take care of yourself? How were you able to tell your brother that you didn’t like it? It seems like you walked away from him so that’s a great solution when we’re really upset with someone.”
3- then you’re probably done. Trust that this will repeat multiple times since both of your children are learning how to manage relational conflict.
In a quiet moment at bedtime, at bath time, at dinner, you can talk in general to both of them and you can give them guidance and values and how to handle conflict.