Question
How do you help your kid when they are doing their best but it’s not enough?
My son has had a rough few days at nature school this week with impulse control and focus. He has been separated from the group a few times to try and calm his wiggles and lost privileges because of his behavior. Given what his teacher is describing and what he is telling me I truly believe he is just having a rough time controlling his body. Sometimes he just can’t sit, stay, listen, or complete a task. His brain just seems to override occasionally and I totally get it.
I do know his teacher is great, but young and is pretty frustrated and needing a break and surely my son is picking up on that and feeling unsafe.
Today he broke down in the car because he feels so bad that he got in trouble, that he’s a bad kid and he hates himself. I have listened to the call when we talked about his anxiety, negative bias and concrete thinking and I have shared a lot of that with his teacher. But still we are here and he is feeling so low. He is punishing himself for just being who he is.
Kids do well when they can. He can’t right now. I’m trying to allow him time to work through this holding space for his feelings but this is day 3 of his struggle and I see he is doing his best.
We have completed the testing at Nova and we await results after the holidays.
What can I do for him?
I’m going to keep him home tomorrow and just love on him and focus on connection.
But what do I do to support him at school?
What can I tell his teacher who is open and receptive to supporting him while he’s there?
Answer
The answer is to talk to the teacher.
Let her know about your journey in trying to find a diagnosis and that ALL of you have to let your son know "we know you are working on managing the wiggles in your body".
If at all possible see if they will "give him time to wiggle separately" rather than saying "you are not sitting still, please go".
The punishment is what needs to go, the separation needs to be phrased as a time to get what he needs and sometimes it is to get up walk and get a sip of water and wiggle.
The message to the teacher is to tell her "we can't punish a child for something they have not developed yet".
Make sure to tell her that you are not making excuses, just knowing that your child is doing his best in where he is today.
Also have the teacher keep a ledger of the time of the day when he wiggles. Most times than not we see a pattern and it's usually attached with hunger. Make sure he is eating and snacking every 2.5 to 3 hours. But this ledger allows the teacher to understand he is not "doing anything to her".
Once we have a diagnosis we can give more specific instruction to the school.
Finally, I would not keep him home from school, unless he is sick. This sends a message that school is not safe and he needs to stay away from it. Unfortunately, for now, it is best to send him and let him know that you know he is doing his best to help him manage his relationship with the teacher.
If you want an intervention that can soften the teacher's heart, have your son write a letter letting her know why he wiggles, how he is trying and asking her at the end "do you like me still?" because that is what he is feeling....I do that often in the schools I consult with. I have the child tell the teacher how they feel and guide them to ask the teacher "do you like me?"....Most teachers melt down when they realize that the student feels rejected by them. See if he is willing to write that.
We will know more once the diagnosis is clear.