I’m crying again. I am watching another episode of a competition show, but it's not the show that makes me weep. My crying is a ritual that has developed since the quarantine began in early March. Sunday has become my day to allow my feelings to flow freely without logic. I cry freely without explanation. I let tears flow because it is what my body, my mind, and my psyche need. I try not to put a story to them. I remind myself of what I say in so many of my workshops and parenting trainings: our feelings have no logic. Do not judge them. Do not tame them. Allow the feelings to flow freely, pause, and then make your decision on action later. This is what I am grappling with in my own life, as well as that of my clients’. How do we each begin to make sense of the uncertainty that flows around us? How do we each take a look at our daily lives and integrate the lessons, the losses, and the discomforting unpredictability. I have taken to writing general notes of the suggestions and recommendations I make for my clients and for myself. It started out as a way for me to be mindful to practice what I preach. I find that these notes soothe me, and I hope they will bring some sort of comfort to you, too.
ACCEPT ALL THE FEELINGS THAT FLOW THROUGH YOU AND OUT OF YOU
One of my favorite TED talks is from psychologist Susan David. In it, she reminds us about how we tend to judge emotion, rather than allow feelings to serve as intended, as information. Our culture judges emotions and their expression. Parents often tell me that they don’t want to reward the bad behavior of their children. What they don’t see is that a child that cries over having to stop playing to get ready for bed is not behaving poorly. They are showing their sadness that their playtime has ended. From childhood, we are told that our emotional responses to the world are wrong or the reason why we lose the connection with a loved one. This is why so many of us attempt to stop the natural neurological reflex of sadness, frustration, fear, or disappointment. Someone in our past told us, in words or actions, that we were wrong to feel that way.
Today, as we are managing this time of quarantine, many of you are judging the natural emotions that are flowing through you, thereby creating a build up of the energetic flow that feelings have. Stop. Don’t judge the feelings. Accept them for what they are, emotional energy flowing through us quickly. The feeling is not what is hurting you. The judgement and the wishing away of what you feel is what hurts. Accept your feelings as they rise up, name them, breathe into them. If you sit in this meditation long enough (approx. 5 minutes) you will notice the thoughts and beliefs that are linked to the feeling. They may be thoughts of being weak when you are sad. They may be beliefs that disappointment makes you less grateful. Evaluate those thoughts and wonder, is this true in this moment? Were they true in my past relationships with a loved one? Do I want to continue associating those beliefs with these feelings today? This is the way to accept feelings for what they are: reflexes, energy, and one of many ways our neurology makes sense of our surroundings.
MANAGE YOUR NEED TO CONTROL YOUR SURROUNDINGS
“This is a great time to be curious about what works, rather than seeking perfect outcomes to offset that inner dialogue showing you all the times you’ve failed.
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Unpredictability can heighten a neurological response called negative bias. The negative bias reflex of the brain is the way we maintain safety. The brain makes lists of how things can possibly go wrong, and add associations to similar times in our past. Then, the person finds themselves with a list of all present and historic ways things can possibly go wrong. This is a big reason why the fetishing of productivity, increased social posts on being positive, and looking for ways to build your ego have increased. Everyone is trying to fight against their neurology reminding them of the times that they have failed and how they could fail moving forward. It is the reflex to being in the midst of uncertainty. Our brain, a prediction machine, is attempting to make sense of this present moment with past experiences, using primarily the times when you failed. In response, so many have attempted to do everything perfectly, to “get” or “learn” something from this terrible time, and to not let this time “beat you.” This time is best used to look with curiosity at your negative bias list, to listen to how you speak to yourself internally when you feel out of control, and to wonder is this true. What does this list of possible rejections or failures really remind me? Is this list based on what I am facing today? This is a great time to be curious about what works, rather than seeking perfect outcomes to offset that inner dialogue showing you all the times you’ve failed.
THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS YES AND….
In development, children move from concrete thinking to being able to manage ambiguous thought patterns. Flexibility of thought is an executive functioning skill that most of us in the child development world tend to look for in school age children. That said, our culture is immersed in concrete and binary thought patterns. We enjoy the simplicity of something being good or bad, male or female, right or wrong, etc. The truth is that rarely is anything that concrete. The ambiguity of seeing a situation in a “yes and…” attitude is hard to hold. The brain likes to predict and keeping a stance of “yes and…” heightens unpredictability. At this time of uncertainty, keeping flexibility of thought is crucial. What do I mean by keeping a “yes and..” point of view? Today, we are stuck at home AND we are learning to be present in our homes. Today, we work from home AND we feel overwhelmed by changing our routines of working outside our homes. Today, parents are overwhelmed by the 24/7 spike of care-giving their children AND they are grateful to be together in family moments. If we accept the “yes and…” of all of the interactions we are having then we can allow ourselves to be flexible and accepting of what is.
I must be honest. I rarely have done anything that I write about perfectly and consistently. All I can do is move toward these guideposts of acceptance, release of control, and flexibility in thought to help me manage my humanity, my soul's journey, and my time on Earth. What I do know for sure is that at this time of living through a global pandemic, it is the only way I am able to stay present in my day to day.