Many parents come to me with versions of the same question: “How do I help my child be more grateful and less focused on what they don’t have?” Across many avenues of my work with families, in conversations, talks and writing, I have answered this question. This blog is a mixture of those answers.
Gratitude is not something we can force with a lecture in the middle of a tantrum. It grows when children are emotionally safe, their bodies are regulated, and the adults around them are willing to name hard feelings like jealousy and envy instead of trying to erase them.
Why “Be grateful” doesn’t work in the middle of a meltdown
Many of us picture family moments that look like a commercial: children running, playing, painting popsicle mustaches, everyone laughing. Real life often includes tears, sibling fights, and at some point a parent saying, “You should be grateful; do you know how lucky you are?”
In that moment, a child’s brain is not ready for a gratitude lesson. When a child is dysregulated, their brain is focused on survival, not on perspective-taking or appreciation. Instead of trying to “teach gratitude” in the middle of a meltdown, go back to basics:
Keep some kind of routine, even on special days.
Focus less on exact times and more on a predictable sequence: wake, eat, move, rest, play, eat, wind down, sleep. When the pattern is familiar, children feel safer and cope better with change.
Protect eating and sleep.
“Over time, children who are allowed to feel, who are guided to reflect and who practice noticing what is good, develop the quieter, more sustainable form of gratitude that lasts.”
Most children need to eat roughly every three hours. Too little sleep and too much fatigue are major drivers of hyperactivity, mood swings and behavioral challenges. A hungry or exhausted child cannot access gratitude; their nervous system is busy trying to cope.
Remember: the adults need oxygen too.
Plan for your own breaks and support. When adults are depleted, it is much harder to respond with calm, curious leadership. That is when lectures about gratitude tend to come from resentment instead of connection.
When we manage routine, food, sleep and our own nervous systems, we are not “spoiling” children. We are creating the conditions where gratitude has a chance to show up.
Gratitude grows where all feelings are welcome
Young children do not censor their feelings. They cry freely when a toy falls and squeal with joy when a parent comes home. As adults, our own histories make it hard to tolerate such big emotions. We often ask children to stop feeling in order to protect ourselves, not them.
Gratitude is not pretending everything is fine or forcing children to “look on the bright side.” It is the ability to notice goodness alongside sadness, frustration and envy. That capacity develops only when those harder feelings are allowed, named and respected.
When we name what our children feel, we do two things at once:
We help their body and brain settle.
We teach them the emotional language they will later need to recognize, savor and express gratitude.
Children who are not punished or shamed for their emotions can eventually say, “I am sad and I am thankful,” instead of feeling they must choose one or the other.
Helping children tolerate jealousy and envy (instead of fixing everything)
Jealousy and envy show up a lot when we talk about gratitude. A child sees a sibling get more candy, find more eggs at a hunt, or receive more attention, and suddenly gratitude disappears. The same child may grab from others at school or write in someone else’s notebook “to be funny.”
The first step is to reframe what this means
These are not signs that something is “wrong” with the child.
They are signs that they are still learning how to tolerate jealousy and envy.
Your job is not to fix jealousy by making everything perfectly equal. If siblings choose to share or split something, that is their choice. Your job is to name and claim the jealousy and show your child what to do with it.
In the moment, you might say:
“You’re feeling jealous. Take a moment to let that feeling pass, and then we can come up with a plan.”
Later, in a calm moment, you can walk children (and teens) through four questions that help everyone work with jealousy and envy:
What did that person do to get what you are envying right now?
Are you willing to take similar steps or actions?
If yes, what is the first small step you could take?
If not, what could you do for yourself that meets the same need in a healthier way?
These questions move children from “I deserve exactly what they have” toward curiosity about effort, choice and their own agency. Over time, understanding other people’s effort and choices becomes one doorway into genuine appreciation and gratitude.
Training the brain to notice the good: a family regimen
The human brain naturally pays more attention to negative information than to positive experiences. It scans for danger, problems and what is missing. The brain does not automatically look for the positive. We need a conscious regimen to question negative thoughts and look for other ways to interpret our world.
Part of this regimen is curiosity instead of control. When life feels chaotic, many families try to control everything so they can feel perfect or avoid feeling fear. I invite parents into a different stance: be curious about what has actually served you, instead of chasing a perfect version of family life or a perfect version of a “grateful child.”
Another part is accepting the mess. There will be days when the house is disordered, the relationships feel strained and everyone’s emotional world is messy. Gratitude is not waiting for the house, the schedule and the feelings to be perfectly organized. It is noticing what is still supporting you in the middle of the mess.
Quality of time matters more than quantity. What grows gratitude are the moments when you and your child actually see and feel each other: a shared laugh, a quiet bedtime talk, ten minutes of truly listening to how their day went, a small ritual like saying one good thing about the day at dinner. A few minutes of attuned, present time helps everyone notice “this is good” far more than hours spent together while distracted, arguing or on autopilot.
Underneath all of this is the relationship between the adults. One of the hardest things in any family is how the adults relate to one another and whether they work as a team. When the adults cannot maintain or tend to their own emotional world, that is what most increases fear and anxiety in the family. A stable, emotionally tended adult relationship is the soil where gratitude can grow for everyone.
From there, the small daily practices matter. Some simple pieces of the regimen you can use at home:
Gratitude lists.
A short list of three things you are thankful for at the end of the day (adults and children together).
“What I finished” lists.
Alongside “to-do” lists, notice what you completed. This trains the brain to recognize effort and progress.
A few minutes of meditation.
Sitting, breathing and watching thoughts come and go softens the brain’s constant chase for “what’s wrong.”
These are not extras. They are simple, repeatable habits that counter the brain’s focus on what is missing, for you and for your children.
Putting it together in daily life
When you find yourself tempted to say “Be grateful” to a child who is crying, comparing or grabbing, you can come back to these steps:
Regulate bodies first.
Check sleep, food and routine. Offer connection before correction.
Welcome and name the feeling.
Jealousy, envy, frustration and sadness are part of being human. Name them out loud and give them space.
Coach reflection instead of fixing fairness.
Use the jealousy questions to help your child think about what others did, what they want and what they can choose.
Accept that life is not tidy.
Let go of the fantasy of perfect productivity, perfect order and perfectly grateful children. Be curious about what is actually working for your family right now.
Build a simple gratitude regimen for the whole family.
Gratitude lists, “what I finished” lists, a few minutes of meditation, or prayer if that speaks to you, gently point the brain toward what is working.
Over time, children who are allowed to feel, who are guided to reflect and who practice noticing what is good, develop the quieter, more sustainable form of gratitude that lasts.