I don't know about all of you but August seemed to pass by in a flash. It feels like I blinked and all of a sudden we were in September. August also felt exhausting for me primarily because I spent a lot of the month thinking about the losses I have experienced thus far and looking forward to yet another season without much change or clarity around my family and me.
Many schools, companies and media networks reached out last month for my expertise. I was both humbled and overwhelmed by the task. But I felt a great sense of gratitude that I could be that source of information for so many. I have put together the questions that seemed to repeat in all of these spaces and I want to share them with you:
Back to School
How can we better handle the stress of hearing so many varying opinions (when it comes to going back to school) from both medical professionals and even medical organizations? (For example: CDC and American Academy of Pediatrics not agreeing on back to school guidelines)
This is a question about decision making and how to “feel” positive about a choice. Each family has to access their risk aversion scale and see where they fall compared to social, professional, and familial influences. They need to choose a source they deem reputable and read the resources and facts they share. Then make a decision based on this information and give yourself deadlines of when you will reassess your decisions. Reassessing your choices at this time is what is most important since the climate and information is changing so quickly. No decision any of us is making will stick long term at this point.
I'm doing group home schooling for my 5 year old (1 teacher, 4 kids in a set 'classroom/space'). Any negatives to this approach from a socialization/growth standpoint?
From a social-emotional lens this is ideal for a 5 year old. Small class size and groupings are wonderful for children to learn academically and to practice peer relationships. Try not to let that grouping fall under 4 children, as three children in that age group could risk one of them being left out of play.
Given all the unknown and volatility with school year, do you think we should prepare them for options for what school could be or just wait until we know what is happening to update them, especially for elementary school kids
Children 6 and older need information. Trust that those little ears are paying attention to what the adults are saying and what they hear from the TV playing in the background.
When you have information, share it with your children. Tell them how you are thinking it through and how you are planning to keep them and the family safe.
This is especially true of the curious ones. If you don’t give them information they will seek it. It is best that you are curating the information rather than their friends or Google.
Speaking to them also models to them how to handle stressful and uncertain situations, which is a necessary skill to build to be a citizen of the world. We do not have to avoid stress or hardship for our children. We need to teach and model to them how to manage it.
“From a social-emotional perspective, the children will fare as well as the adults’ mood and response around these times.”
Do we have any idea what the long term impact of this year could have on children? From an educational and social perspective?
From a social-emotional perspective, the children will fare as well as the adults' mood and response around these times. Children of all age groups look to their caregivers for leadership, safety, and soothing. In the development world we know that children who fare well through hardship are those with loving consistent adults. As caregivers we have to make sure that we are as consistent, loving, and available for them to lean on us.
Screen Time
Is there an additional guideline or recommendation for screen time, and does that include the online schooling? I know AAP has loosened their recommendation, but with the pandemic it's so difficult to work and monitor the amount of screens.
Parents need to think about the screen, less as “evil” and more like nutrition. What is the variety of use? What does my child use the screen for?
Break up the usage into these segments:
school/academic - positive use- increases development
TV-Live Streaming apps- neutral/passive - measure the use of this
Video games - increases problem solving, creativity, fine motor, processing speed, focus - most of the negative effects of video games link primarily to children who already have a mood disturbance/disorder - monitor the time - use AAP’s suggestions
Social Media- monitor use AAP’s suggestions, as well as, the age recommendation of the social media platform- most platforms recommend 13
Facetime-Zoom-Playing Video games online with peers - this has become the new “park, mall, time with friends” during the pandemic. For kids 9 and older protect and support this time on the screen. This is how your children are making up for their social interactions
What are some good tips for screen time? My kids were getting "screen rage" with too much and becoming zombies, but what choices do we have?
“Put screen time in the routine. This way your child can predict when they can use the screen and when they need to get off.”
It depends on each family’s values and rules. Go to Common Sense Media website or app and get recommendations geared to your children’s age, and read reviews that will help you understand if the game/show complements your values and rules as a family.
Put screen time in the routine. This way your child can predict when they can use the screen and when they need to get off. It doesn’t guarantee that they won't be disappointed or angry to end the pleasure of being on the screen. But it will help parents/caregivers stay consistent and commit to their goal of healthy use of screens.
My kids are almost three and one. What are the implications of my kids seeing me on a device constantly?
None, as long as you explain what you are doing on the device. In early childhood we are the “meaning makers” for our children. Let them know that “Daddy is on his computer because he is working and talking to everyone at his job, now that he has to work at home.”
If you see a little one pretending to “work” on a pretend computer don’t worry; that is normative for this age group. They enjoy pretending to be what they see around them.
Emotions and This Time of Uncertainty
Any tips for explaining to kids why some people are not wearing their masks or have riskier behaviors? How do you handle the struggle when your Children's (16 yr/old) friends don't "believe" that COVID is a real thing (because of their parents beliefs), and convince them to stand up to the pressure and not suffer from FOMO?
First be receptive and compassionate to the teen’s “FOMO.” The adolescent brain needs social interaction and connection. It is part of healthy teen development. This pandemic has created a deficit on this need for teens. When you speak to them, try not to tell them to “get over it” or “don’t let it bother you” and instead stay with them in the feeling that it is sad, annoying, disappointing that our lives have been turned upside down. Be with them in that feeling and respect that what they are feeling is real. Read more here on how not to judge your children’s emotions:
“Most parents of teens spend too much time trying to convince them to agree and like it, rather than respecting their emotional response to your rule, especially if they are following it.”
Second, describe in detail how you came to your decision on how to keep your family safe. Let them know that you disagree with the other family’s point of view and why. Finally, ask them what they think and how they will manage with your rules Allow them to be mad with you. Don’t expect them to agree, just expect to keep the boundary you have set. Most parents of teens spend too much time trying to convince them to agree and like it, rather than respecting their emotional response to your rule, especially if they are following it.
Our kids are 12, 12 and 15 and are acutely aware of the crisis and see the news, even though we limit as best we can. How do we temper their fears of the pandemic. BTW, we live in the current epicenter. Gulp.
Accept their fear. It is the natural human response to what is happening around us. Let them know it's normal and human. Then continually remind them of how you are making decisions to keep the family safe. Wonder with them what they need to feel safe, and give that to them if at all possible.
Where does the term Watch-Wait-Wonder come from and how does a parent use this in play with a little one?
The term Watch Wait and Wonder comes from an internationally recognized approach, developed by Dr Mirek Lojkasek, that uses a child’s spontaneous free-play to enhance the child-parent relationship. I like to use the term since it is so descriptive of what a parent can do to truly engage and interact with their child. When playing with your child, it is best to watch what they are doing and choosing to do, without your words or suggestions. Simply watch. Wait for them to lead you into the game or into how they want you to interact. Wait and watch how they guide you. Then, wonder. Are they using their communication skills? Are they using their problem solving skills? Are they working their fine or gross motor skills? When engaging like this, in playing with them as a time to notice all of these aspects of their development, you feel less pressure to “invent” ways to keep them busy or to increase these skills. When you learn to watch their play, you can see how much they are developing daily. Here’s a link for further instructions on Child Led Play.
The idea of "parental burnout" and this idea that we have to constantly entertain our children. What should parents do instead?
Most parental burnout comes from having the wrong parenting goal: the goal of making our children happy. Making children happy is the worst parenting goal to have. Think about what makes a child happy - a teen, friends and parties - a school age child, tv, video games, and candy - a preschooler, sleeping in your bed and undivided attention, etc.
The most effective parenting goal is to keep your children emotionally and physically healthy and safe. When we have this goal of healthy and safe children, we frustrate, disappoint, and sadden our children, at times. However, those feelings are necessary for them to practice in order to build frustration tolerance, impulse control, and delay of gratification, all important markers for success.
In order to avoid the burnout, the parent has to learn to manage and tolerate conflict and rejection. Reason 586 why parenting is so difficult - since a lot of adults get to 30, 40, 50 not knowing how to handle conflict and rejection.
Stop, drink water, breathe when overwhelmed and stay in the present. This a difficult time that we can tackle one minute, one day, one week at a time. No more. Hang in there, you got it even if its messy.