Question
All in all yesterday was just a terrible day. When I put my daughter down last night we went through our typical routine but she kept asking when dad would be home from his run and when he would come kiss her goodnight. As soon as I got in the rocking chair (I sit in it until she falls asleep) she started saying "I'm scared, I'm scared" on repeat. She couldn't tell me what she was scared of just that she wanted me to lay in her bed. "It's not fair that you get to sleep with someone and I have to sleep all alone." I told her matter of factly, "no, I sit in the rocking chair, we already snuggled for a long time". She then proceeded to run out of the room and run downstairs to dad. He brought her back up to her room but she kept repeating "I'm scared, I'm scared" and throwing herself around the room refusing to get in bed.This went on until about 9 PM.
The only way we could get her in her bed was by me getting in bed with her and dad sitting next to the bed while we both held her hand. I KNOW what she learned is that her behavior got her exactly what she wanted and I honestly don't think she is scared of anything. What should we have done differently, how can we set her up for success tonight and the future?
Answer
This is not behavior; she was scared and the alarm went off inside her body.
She can't get her brain out of FEAR/DEFENSE mode with her brain. When you speak to her and ask her what she is afraid of you are asking her brain to use higher brain functions like processing information and language.
When she is emotionally dysregulated all the two of you can do is say, "yes, you're scared, no more talking, I am going to breathe and let go of the tight spots in my body so you can feel my calm body and then you're body can calm down and tell your brain to stop scaring you.
Then silence, breathe and destress your body. Her mirror neurons and affect sensitivity will pick up your calm and start to help her calm her body so then the body follows.
The brain can't clean up the mess the brain created.
The body calms the alarm, not the brain.