Question
Tonight I was speaking with my 9yo and he was telling me that there are some kids at school that call him “weird” and tell him he doesn’t belong at the school and all these mean things. I was (am) super heartbroken for him but during the conversation all I could come up with was “well, do you think you’re weird?” And he responds “yes sometimes, I dont act like other kids in my class..” and I tried to ask for examples and he just says, “I don’t know…but I guess being weird is cool” (I’m not sure if that is his way of coping or he really believes it).
Then I told him that everyone has a little weirdness in them, and that’s what makes us special and unique.
Then he told me about someone in his grade who he labeled a “bully” because he is always mean to kids and he even made my son cry one day (I’m finding this out now).
I’m not sure I handled that great.
What can I say/do?
Should I talk to the school?
I honestly think that my son does stand out with some of his behaviors, given his ASD & ADHD diagnosis and since he is in 4th grade other kids are starting to notice. I’m unclear how to approach this…
Answer
What you did well was ask a clarifying question which got you to his thoughts and how he is managing kids calling him weird.
“Weird is cool” is a positive mantra AND being called weird is also hard BUT he let you know he's good.
That being said, as AuDHD kids get older the social differences do begin to be more apparent.
The task at hand is to help him choose his friends wisely. Ask him, “who do you like spending time with in your class that accepts exactly who you are?”
This is actually a social marker for all kids 3rd-6th grade. This is the time that all children begin to break up into groups and tribes that are similar to them.
Take this “weird” theme and ask him - “of the ways you don’t act like other kids, what are things you wish to change and what are things you wish to keep to continue being 100% you?”
Let him know that we don’t need to change for others to like us. We just need to be clear in what we want to change that would make us feel better.
Let him know that it is hard to have someone judging us BUT we always have to consider the source and wonder “do I really respect this person that is judging me? Do my values match theirs? If not, then they can have a different opinion about me because we see the world differently…”
Also, if you have not had a clear conversation with him about being diagnosed AuDHD then it is time. He needs to know how his brain sees the world differently than others in his class. That it is neither good nor bad, just different.