Question
I am having a hard time communicating with my 12yo. Last night I got home from a work trip and walked into his room and there was a wet towel on the bed and I asked him to move it. That sparked a series of events which culminated in him telling his dad, “mama doesn’t like me, she needs to stop pretending that she does. She doesn’t talk to me the same way that she talks to my sister. I often get the mean voice.”
He had stayed up until late last night (11:30pm) because his father told him he could play video games. Then at 11:30pm I said, “ok it’s enough”. He stopped and then decided to eat a snack and watch tv, and then he came to ask if he could hang out with me and I said NO, because it was almost midnight.
This morning I discussed it with his father and said it was not ok that he had stayed up so late… of course my son got upset and defensive and yes I admit I was upset and annoyed.
Of course, I love him, but I do realize that there is a communication issue… so…
How can I speak to him so he knows I love him and so he doesn’t think I am annoyed and unhappy with him (he said when I talk to him I am both of those things, and I probably am annoyed because it is usually about something he hasn’t done). I will also add that during the day he is doing his own thing and really only looks for connection with me when it’s way past bedtime and I am probably annoyed that he isn’t in bed.
I should add he is highly sensitive and he often says he doesn’t like my tone of voice (which I admit probably triggers me in more ways than one, I can’t change my voice).
I am just worried the communication issue is going to get worse as he gets older and I do want him to know that he can come to me about anything.
Sometimes I let things go, but honestly I don’t think I should in liu of letting things go because he also needs to learn how to be responsible and pick up after himself. I don’t want to raise a boy who expects someone else to pick up after him.
So how do I fix it or make it better?
Answer
Answer:
This is a hard one... he's right, you are annoyed by his choices and your tone is giving him the message that you are annoyed and that you don't like him..
I know I just stabbed you in the throat.
So what to do:
1 - stop engaging with him just by telling him what he has not done or what you want him to do....if there are clothes on the floor and food on his desk...sit next to him, kiss his forehead and then say "buddy, I love you AND I also want you to pick up the clothes and take the dish to the sink..." Then he will get both the love and your prompt.
2 - if he comes to snuggle - SNUGGLE no matter the time.
First hug him and talk to him for at least 10 minutes and then say "ok love its late, let’s get you to bed"
3 - Be honest with him. Tell him he is right to feel that you have been short with him BUT it's not about who he is as a person but more about the choices he has made that makes you SCARED that he is not sleeping enough or learning how to be responsible. Then ask him what he thinks about sleep and keeping things tidy, etc.…
Most importantly repeat this to yourself before you approach him:
CONNECT before you CORRECT