Question
We are starting to run into problems with friends and my daughter feeling excluded. We were at a birthday party Sunday and two of her best friends were attached at the hip and kept running all over the place. My daughter kept trying to catch up with them and it wasn't working and made me so sad. She finally threw herself to the ground and said "they keep excluding me." I told her to tell them she would like to be included and she did but it didn't help. She is now also showing more resistance to going to school and says it happens at school too. How can I help her through this?
Answer
What you describe is common in children 4-7, once they pair up it is hard for a third to join in. This is because of their immaturity in managing social skills and norms.
For those who have 5yo and younger ones this is my recommendation:
Support them:
1 - first tell your child to ask them to explain what they are doing and how they are playing - rather than asking them to let her play. This way the children engage with her in answering the question rather than forcing them to figure out how she can be included. They are too young; they can’t imagine how to include her.
2- let her know that when two friends are already playing it’s hard to add a third and give her the option to look around and see if there is someone who is alone that needs a second friend.
3- wonder with the teacher on how they see your daughter including herself or attempting to play with others - for little ones like yours their rigid thought patterns are what get them stuck in maneuvering the ever changing ideas of play in a group of young children.
4- until she is 6-7 years old do not ever have play dates with 3 kids. Do multiples of 2 because they really have a hard time playing in big groups without pairing up.