Question
We need your guidance around sleep. My daughter will be 6 in December and we are now going on 2 years of needing to sleep with her, not just lay with her at night but sleep with her all night so that she does not wake up multiple times a night calling for us. When we moved to Scottsdale in Aug, my husband and I took turns sleeping with her in the guest room. We finally transitioned her into her room and we were taking turns sleeping in the trundle next to her bed. But lately, every night we go through the routine and I rub her arm from the trundle for 5 mins and when I say it's time to sleep she starts saying "I'm scared, I'm so scared. I need to lay with you or you need to lay with me or I just can't and won't sleep." She goes on and on and we usually give in. I feel like we are going backwards with our ultimate goal to get her to sleep in her room by herself. Can you provide guidance on how to manage this? Thank you!
Answer
So hard. What she is providing is the explanation of how her body is making her feel. It's hard to listen to your words of comfort when her body is probably turned on all the signals of dread and danger. For example, fast heart beat, tense muscles, quick breathing...Her nervous system goes from calm to alarm the moment her brain recognizes that your calm, loving nervous system is walking away.
This one is hard. It needs time and patience from both of you. She needs to learn to separate the messages from her body from the actual safety of the present moment. But she won't believe you at first.
Every time she tells you "I'm scared" Let her know "yes, I believe you are scared. Lets turn off all the places in your body that your brain turned on. Then ask her, “where do you feel scared the most in your body?"
When she tells you, then put your hands there and breathe slowly, no talking just breathe and touch. Then move to the next place in her body. Breathe and touch. Stay with her breathing and touching. Slowly telling her, “this is how you tell your brain and body that all is well. Right now, all is well, your brain is confused that it has to make you alert”
The key is for you and your husband to keep your nervous system calm because her nervous system is out of sync.