Question
My daughter has it stuck in her head that she absolutely doesn't like boys. Of course when I ask her why she says, “because they don't have long beautiful hair like girls”. So I say, "wow that's interesting, I choose if I connect with someone based on how kind they are not what they look like" but it falls on deaf ears. Last week we went to a friend's house and they have an 8 year old son. She spent the first 20 minutes there screaming "I hate boys, I never want to play with boys, this is so stupid." It was really embarrassing. Once she finally calmed down she played with him and had a blast. Then this week we met a friend at the pool who has a 4 year old son and she did the exact same thing but this time refused to have anything to do with him and kept yelling at me that I was talking to the Mom and not playing with her (I was doing both). How do I handle this?
Answer
This is an example of her rigid cognitive style which is common in 3-6 years old. They make black/white statements on beliefs and ideas and attempt to prove them.
There are many adults who never outgrow this phase of development, hence the popularity of twitter fights and believing misinformation to prove a belief.
So what to do:
Prior to arriving at any playdate where there will be a boy, address that she can choose to play alone BUT she can't be unkind with her words or her actions to anyone no matter their gender. Let her know that your family values love and kindness. Then give her at least three tries to not use mean words or rejection. If she can't and continues to demand for the boy to leave her alone or for you to play with her then leave. Don't leave with the energy of punishment but leave letting her know that you understand she is having a hard time being kind and loving, as well as, making a clear choice to play alone if she doesn't wish to play with the other child.
Consistently respond this way and she will adjust.
The goal is to pull her away from seeing the world through the lens of the difference in gender and into values of being kind, respectful and holding integrity in making choices.