Question
When my daughters get together they are extremely silly and have so much fun together. The other day we were also with another friend's daughter who is a bit younger, less verbal, just not as strong of a personality. The girls were giggling hysterically and calling her a poopy head, saying they wouldn't share their food with her, etc...all while laughing hysterically. My friend and I are very sensitive about not wanting "mean girl" daughters so help us understand the difference between being silly and not truly trying to be mean and consciously being unkind which I really don't think they were doing. The girls have all been together before and my friend said that when they were on their way to meet us her daughter said, "The girls are mean to me." My friend and I kept saying "girls it's important to be kind, we are going home if you are not kind", etc etc etc but feel like we need other language that is more effective. Thank you!
Answer
They were being silly without understanding the social rule that a JOKE has to be enjoyed with ALL involved. This is very common in children ages 4.5-8, they make each other laugh at the expense of another and are UNAWARE of the emotions of the one being teased BECAUSE they are "having fun". They don't hold the other person's emotional experience in the moment because the primary emotion of JOY, silly happiness is what they are engaged in.
So when you told them they were being "mean" they were confused. How can I be "mean" when I was happy?
This is why your daughter was so confused.
So, what is the lesson for the girls?
Let them know that it is ok to be silly BUT they have to pay attention if ALL the people involved in the silly moment are having fun.
Next time you are all together IF it happens again you can say something like:
"you are feeling so happy and silly right now, but let's ask your friend how they are feeling."
Then your friend's daughter would say “sad” or “mad”. Then you can let all of them know..."hey guys it's okay to have fun and make silly jokes BUT if one of you feels sad/mad about it we have to stop. Because if we don't stop that is a "mean choice"---”
With this explanation you are breaking down further what "mean" is; they don't know.
Also if you do that then your friend’s daughter can stop taking it personally and we keep the girls from taking on the roles of victim and perpetrator.
Also let your friend know about this so she can teach her daughter to say "hey guys, I see you are being silly and fun with each other, but your silly joke hurts me". That is your friend's daughter's lesson in this situation to set a boundary.