Question
Recently there were a couple of situations when my son made a mistake but his reaction was exaggerated and made me worry about the way he deals with these situations.
Examples:
1. During a playdate in a park he hurt another boy when they were fighting for a stick. The boy cried, complained to his mother and when I went to speak with my son he was too embarrassed and told me “I want to be run over by a bus” and refused to face the other kid and apologize.
2. Over the weekend he messed up his sister’s Halloween sweets (mixed them with his) which caused chaos and he started crying and saying “I am no good, I am horrible”.
He seems to have a high level of awareness about making mistakes but his reaction is incredibly exaggerated. I told him in both cases that there was no reason to react like that, that we all make mistakes, told him I made many mistakes while growing up and still make adult mistakes. But I got worried about his excessive reactions (I’m no good and I want to disappear) and how he may suffer excessively when he inevitably makes mistakes in school or in contexts more socially exposed.
Today he said “I’m poop , I’m not worth much” because there was a cross country race at school and he didn’t win anything. So again a low self esteem moment after adversity.
Tips please on what to monitor, how to help him develop the thick skin we need to face the world after making mistakes. I know how I struggled with this… Thanks!
Answer
What he is expressing is his black/white thinking. Children 4.5 - 7 years old have a rigid thought pattern. His guilt is making him put himself in the BAD bucket, hence the "negative" messages he is saying of himself.
This is important to manage well since A LOT of people never outgrow this phase of development and tend to believe they are "not good enough" since no one walked them through the black/white thinking.
So what do you do?
I will use your example to help you send a loving message:
1. Yes you made a mistake.
2. Right now you feel guilty and bad.
3. What could you have done differently?
4. How can you repair it?
5. Let's plan for next time.
6. Love him.
Lets use the candy mixing example:
1. Yes, my love, the candy is all mixed up and your sister is very upset.
2. You feel guilty and you think you are a bad brother for making your sister so sad about her Halloween candy.
3. What do you think you could have done differently?
Wait for his answer. If he doesn't give an answer you could say, "you could have moved slower and then the candy would not have gotten mixed but you were so happy and excited and that is why you made the mistake.”
4. Lets repair the mistake by trying to divide the candy as fair as possible.
5. What will you do next time when you are very excited?
Wait for his answer then add - Yes, move slowly.
6. Hold him or kiss him or high five him.
Keep this pattern every time he speaks poorly of himself.
Point out your mistakes when you make them.
All adults need to be mindful if they speak negatively of themselves when they make mistakes. Children also learn to judge themselves by watching adults do it.