Question
My daughter had an epic tantrum this morning. She went downstairs to make her cousin a birthday card and she remembered that we are giving her a gift that she has never had before. She usually helps pick out her friends gifts and she picks things that she has/likes. I was at target and I got an art project to give my niece. So my daughter came up the stairs crying and screaming how she needs to have the same gift as her cousin but in a crazy aggressive way. I tried to explain to her that when we want things that we don’t have, we can figure it out. I told her Hanukkah was a few weeks away and we could put it on her list… She was still screaming and crying saying, “I hate my cousin, I neeeeeed the gift for myself”.
It all was very illogical. I was at a loss for how to help her and she was being so incredibly rude. I told her that her feelings were okay to have and it’s hard not to get what we want right when we want them but nothing helped. It went on and on… Then everything else was a challenge, eating, getting dressed, brushing teeth, hair… I could go on and on but I am sure you get the picture.
What should I have done and how can we do better in these moments? I feel like if I have some navigation around these moments I can stay more calm and feel confident that we can get through it. She moved on once we got in the car and sang the whole way to school which we were 20 minutes late to.
Answer
The first thing to know is that her response is normal for her age group.
She was disappointed and jealous. Those two emotions are incredibly difficult to process and to tolerate, hence the meltdown.
Your confusion came from not wanting your child to be ungrateful, and the "aggressive" nature of her meltdown put you into high alert. Which caused you to try to STOP and FIX her rather than EMBRACING THE TANTRUM
The trick is to remember that while the child is in the midst of the tantrum, the words, story and context they share is not what is dealt with or handled. The emotion they are expressing is what is dealt with. Each melt down is an opportunity for a child to learn to manage and tolerate emotions.
So what could you have done:
1. Label her feelings: "oh buddy you are disappointed and jealous and it's making your body feel horrible".
2. Help her sit and tolerate the feeling: "I am going to breathe and calm my body so it can help you calm your body and this feeling to pass. Let's not talk anymore".
3. Tolerate and Calm Yourself - stay silent, loving glances at your daughter, breathing, untensing your muscles, NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS, just respond with "lets calm our bodies before we speak, the feelings need to pass first". Your tone of voice and energy is incredibly important at this time. It can take her anywhere between 9-20 minutes to calm.
4. Then when she is calm and asks for the hug or stops screaming and talking THEN you could have given her the Hanukkah solutions and the explanations.
You will do this pattern thousands of times before she is 7 years old. This is how a person builds:
1. emotional language
2. emotional tolerance
3. ability to process big emotion
4. ability to find solutions to big emotions
Keep at it...