Question
My oldest son (5 years old, big brother) lately has been using negative words and actions against my middle child (3 years old, middle brother). He says he doesn’t like to play with him, he isn’t very nice to him (especially in front of other people) and what bothers me the most is that he allows his friends to mistreat his brother too. No matter what I say he says he doesn’t care. I’m confused because he’s not like this with anyone else and is otherwise a sweet and empathetic boy.
My middle son (3 years old, middle child) has been acting out lately. For example, today he literally took his pants off and peed in our living room. I need help
Thank you
Answer
What your boys are doing is normal and expected, especially now that your oldest is closer to 6.
Here are ways to manage in the moment:
Helping them in the midst of a fight.
Whenever two children hurt one another it is appropriate to go to the hurt one first. When you go there you narrate what just happened. You could say “Buddy, you’re so sad and shocked just like mommy. Your sibling got overwhelmed with their feelings and they let their anger take over and they hurt you” then you would hug the hurt sibling for a bit until they are calm and then you head over to other child and say something like “baby you let your feelings take over your thinking and you hurt your sibling. Let’s go say sorry to them and next time just tell us how you’re feeling rather than show us”
This is enough. The GUILT of hurting their sibling is the CONSEQUENCE. A time out or taking away a screen is not as powerful as the intrinsic feelings of letting down their parent and their sibling Repeat and remind and do this intervention vice versa depending on who hits whom. This works with the nanny, the grandma, anyone that a child hits.
The lesson and the big key to switch is how they express emotion. It is immature and expected for them to hit, push, say something mean. Your children are showing each other how they feel and trying to make the other person feel how they feel rather than saying it. Keep up that lesson. This is a repeat and remind type boundary since the feelings are overwhelming
Try never to label children as perpetrators or victims. It takes away the concept of choosing your actions and responses. It keeps them stuck in a label. It makes you, the parent, less empathic to the child’s emotional experience. It creates sibling rivalry because they begin to feel like they are “always” the perpetrator and no one understands their experience.