Question
I have a question about social activities. My daughter wants to have play dates every weekend with her friends, which sometimes is not possible. She gets very upset and feels like doing things with the family is not "enough'. Even for my other daughter, every time we tell them we are doing something they ask "with who?" If the answer is just with us (the family) they both say they don't want to go. We usually make them go and they have fun but still insist that they want to see friends. I get it, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and I am very social and as a young adult never wanted to sit at home. Thoughts on how to help them accept that having a playdate is not something to expect every weekend? And how to be OK with activities just being the family?
Answer
You are not your children's activity director. They are asking you "what are we doing? with whom?" only because you have gotten used to doing that.
Unfortunately, and I always hate to say this, "it's your messaging...." that is the problem not your kids "expectations". Please imagine that I said that with a gentle tone of understanding.
This is a common mistake parents make in trying to attain the goal of keeping their children happy.
Happiness can never be the parenting goal.
Keeping them healthy and safe is the parenting goal.
So, sit down with your kids and let them know that you have made a mistake. That you have made them believe that happiness and having fun can only happen if you have a "Big Deal Plan" but you were wrong. Let them know that yes, it's fun to go out and have fun with friends and in the city. BUT it is also important to learn to relax, be bored, and do things on their own or just with the family.
Let them know to fix your mistake that you will now have weekend days where everyone will practice relaxing, managing boredom and being with family.
Then START - no more every weekend you have a PLAN.
The hard part will be tolerating their boredom, complaints, and difficulty. BUT if you stick to it for at least three months and accept that they are sad, bored and disappointed because they are learning to relax, be bored and spend time with family, you will be in the true parenting goal of keeping them healthy and safe - physically and emotionally.
Now... go do it....