Question
How can I better handle my kid having a difficult time with friends in school? My daughter changed classes and the majority of her closest friends are in the other class. Before school started we talked about how good of an opportunity it would be to get to know some of the other students (girls) a bit better while still keeping old friendships. It doesn’t happen every day but she has been complaining about how it’s been hard to fit in and how the other girls seem to not like her. She is not distressed but becomes sad and has asked me to change classes and has stated, “that’s the sort of thing that makes people depressed”. She said that yesterday. I think because she may have had a particularly bad day but I’m still not sure as she was expressing her feelings in general and telling specific things that happened throughout the last 3 weeks of school. She wants to belong and it looks like the other girls are not being very open. I've also noticed an old habit coming back of trying to please the girls to win a friendship (bring little snacks for a picnic for example) then saying her friends “used her”. We talk about ways to approach them, to talk to them, such as being friends with the boys, which she is, and knowing that kids will be her friend because they like her and not because she brings things for them or does things for them. I’ve considered talking to the school for a possible class change, but on the other hand, as hard as it is to see her sad, it’s something that will happen in her life… I appreciate your guidance.
Answer
I don't recommend asking the school to change her class. Like you said, yes, this is normal in life and it's an opportunity for her to manage friendships, self-worth, frustration, fear and problem solving.
When she tells you it was a hard day with the group - don't fix it, just listen. Mirror back what she is telling you and use the Yes and....response. For example:
"Yes, it's really hard to not be with your old group. It sounds like they are not aware that you are there since they are used to being with one another and you are "the new one" and I like that you are still trying and finding ways to talk to them.
Then try not to give her solutions instead ask questions like:
1- What did you try today to connect?
2- What have you thought about trying tomorrow?
3- Which one of them seems like she is interested in getting to know you more?
4- What are questions you can ask them to get to know them?
That can get the conversation going.
Try to sit in the dark with her and prompt her to come up with solutions.
Stay out of fixing it and/or giving too many ideas.