Question
I know you always tell me not to pay too much attention to my daughter’s words but it’s super challenging. These days every time she gets frustrated or disappointed by anything she says “I hate you Mommy, you’re so stupid. You are the worst Mommy ever.” This afternoon her best friend was over and her little sister knocked down a tower my daughter had built. She lost her marbles, was hysterical and said “I hate them, I don’t ever want them coming over again, they are the worst.” In both scenarios I tell her, “wow it sounds like you are so frustrated, angry, etc. but are forgetting we don’t use unkind words when we are frustrated, angry, etc. let’s try to calm our body.” Nothing I say seems to help her calm down; she just gets SO angry, 0-60.
How can I help her and also let her know this behavior/these words are not acceptable?
Answer
This is going to be a long answer BUT will try to make it worth your while.
What you are experiencing with your daughter is her experience with her Neuroception.
Neuroception and/or messages of the nervous system to the brain on the safety of the environment is how we sense danger. It is how the brain addresses safety physically, to our senses and to our emotional reflexes.
Your daughter is currently showing that her neuroception, the ability to sense danger and discomfort in her environment, is out of balance.
For example, when the tower got knocked over, her brain took in the shock and the disappointment of the loss of the tower. Any child would have been upset BUT her neuroception reads that as dangerous and turns on her anxious responses. So she feels like the tower falling over is like a tiger entering the room, hence you experiencing her as "hysterical" also why it's confusing to you. Your neuroception is balanced. You can sense disappointment but your brain/neuroception does not go to protecting yourself from danger.
Your daughter goes from disappointed to a "danger, danger" response. When the brain goes into that high alert it freezes, flees, or fights. She FIGHTS every time. Her fight is verbal not physical. That's why she says "I hate this..." She is fighting against the physical and emotional experience of her brain swiftly moving her from disappointment to DANGER ZONE.
So what can you do in the moment:
1) Keep those two to three lines - describing her emotions and the social norm of not using mean words.
2) Quickly help her regulate. You must help her bring her body back to neutral and out of fight mode.
How?
By saying "okay my love, mommy is going to breathe, mommy is going to loosen all her muscles, so we can both calm down. Our bodies need to help our brains know that we are safe".
THEN silence and calm yourself.
Her mirror neurons will pick up on you working on calming.
The first three to eight times SHE WILL SCREAM and stay in fight mode....eventually she will know to get herself out of it with you.
At night and quiet moments of reflection (once a day):
You have to teach her about her neuroception.
You have to tell her (in an age appropriate way) that you know that when things happen that make her feel disappointed, guilty, sad, frustrated, her brain tells her she has to fight, she has to use mean words and/or try to make the thing/person that made her feel those feelings go away or disappear.
BUT you want her to work on really noticing if her brain is correct. Let her know that her brain sometimes tells her things are WORSE and MORE dangerous than they really are so she has to learn that when that angry ball of fire comes into her body to breathe, walk away or ask you for a hug instead of letting the angry energy come up her throat and out of her mouth.
You will repeat this and remind her of this at least 100 times.
Fight as a response to danger and the messages of our neuroception is a powerful strategy, just look at all the wars we have started and waged as a civilization...lol.
For extras:
Find a kids yoga or meditation class and take her to one. This will help with continuing to balance neuroception.
If your gut is screaming "no Lina, this is more...." get her evaluated by an occupational therapist well versed in emotional regulation, but not into behavioral interventions, cause then that will defeat the purpose. We want an occupational therapist who understands neuroception. If you use the word and they are lost, walk away. See if she meets criteria for sessions. If she does, DO THEM....
Keep at it...
Also if you want a book to read and dive deep into what I just explained then this is the book:
Beyond Behaviors: Using brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges by Mona Delahooke, Ph.D.