Question
We have finally returned home from our long trip to visit family. So much went on I could be in therapy for years to move through it all. Anyways… my daughter has returned home with fear. This is a new one for us but it started at my moms house which she said was haunted. She was scared to be in various rooms by herself and would scream out of nowhere, or have dad hold her all night in his arms. Now that we are home she is also nervous to be alone. Not all the time but just randomly here or there. I am afraid of my own shadow and definitely believe in spirits - I always felt like my moms house had spirits around as well when I was growing up, but I don’t want to put any of my stuff on her… so what is the best way to respond to her fears and worries?
Now that we have been here more days, she asks for people to come with her to the bathroom and she screams in the middle of the night if she wakes up alone. She says she’s afraid of the dark when we talk about it but it feels like something else is going on. As we have a nightlight and her door is open with a light in the hall.
Additionally she wants to hold my hand all the time all of the sudden as if she is really scared.
We keep telling her that she is safe in our house and our house is full of love.
Help!
Answer
The best way to respond is to do exactly what you are doing. Fear is an interesting emotion since what we feel the most is the physical manifestation of fear. The sweat, the tight jaw and shoulder and our heart.
What's most important is to respond to her by helping her discern if the fear is real and she has to be careful or if she has to check in with her brain and remind the brain that she is home and no longer at grandma's house.
For example:
She tells you she doesn't want to go to the bathroom alone. You tell her, "oh, your body and brain are telling you it is dangerous. Glad you're checking with mommy. Remember you are safe in our house that is full of love. Let's wiggle your body to get the fear out and let's play marco/polo until you get to the bathroom." Then do a call and response game with her, while she walks alone to the bathroom, using the safety of your voice in the marco/polo call and response.
Exposure is key. And teaching her to calm her body is key.
At night start a ritual:
You can use your phone's flashlight and look at all the shadowy spaces in the room together to make sure nothing is there. Then take her to bed and tell her to close her eyes and to imagine a sparkly bubble around her. Let her pick the color of the bubble. Tell her that the bubble protects her and/or if you are religious you can tell her to call in her guardian angel and tell them to take care of her while she sleeps.
Repeat and remind. Give it three weeks for her to settle back to being at home