Question
I have a question about my tween and anxiety. I have noticed that my son bites his nails and fidgets with something in his hand, and now I’ve noticed he bites the side of his mouth. I think it is increased anxiety from an increase in school work/ expectations/ longer days in school.
What is the best course of action to take?
I also noticed he gets overwhelmed (his word) and then he lets out curse words, or hits a pillow.
I would like to know how to help him channel/ work through his emotions in the healthiest way possible. Thank you!
Answer
First and most importantly, stress is normal and expected.
Healthy stress stretches us and helps us build resilience, problem solving skills and emotional intelligence.
The first course of action is to tell him that it is normal to feel stress with all the new responsibilities and expectations he is learning to manage. The goal is for him not to judge that he is stressed but to understand that his brain is making sure he gets things done.
The second course of action is to teach him to body scan every time he feels the tension of the thoughts and worries that stress brings up. The action of scanning his body for tense spots that he can loosen and then get back to the task in front of him is a mindfulness practice and the way to handle stress.
No human, no matter the age can TALK or THINK themselves out of a stress response moment. What is a stress response?
Body tension, fast paced thoughts of fear, doom worry, irritable mood and increase in heart beat...other physical discomforts as well.
The curse words can be the reminder for him to body scan and loosen the tension in his body.
The nail biting and the fidgeting in his hand is the brain's way to focus. The fidgeting is fine as long as it doesn't bother the people around him. The nail biting may need to be replaced with something else. BUT don't ask him not to do it, just replace it with something that helps him focus but also does not disrupt the people/class around him. This replacement takes time to find. Chewing gum is a great way to focus, although schools don't allow it. But at home that can be one option. Experiment and see what may work for him.