Question
My 6 year old son, who has ADHD, really has been struggling to get homework done. It can take 2 hours sometimes to get him to finish what should take 30 minutes. He is constantly getting up, fidgeting, talking, etc. Lately, he has become more defiant and my patience is running thin! Homework usually consists of 6 worksheets (3 reading, 3 math). He sometimes tells me that his brain is not on, and yesterday, when he said that, I pushed anyway, telling him, sometimes we have to do homework, even when our brain is not on - it resulted in lots of crying and yelling. So that didn't work. I was thinking today to put him in the playroom with one worksheet at a time and telling him, when he finishes it, I will come and check it, then give him the next one. If he wants to play, he can play, but he can't come out until all the homework is all done. I am afraid this plan isn't going to work because he probably won't do anything But I can't spend two hours nagging him to come back to the table, to stop fidgeting, to beg him to do the next problem, etc. Hoping for some insight! Thanks!
Answer
His description is perfect for what is happening to him internally and the WHY of not being able to do Homework - "his brain is not on" means his brain is tired from holding it together ALL day long at school and his brain associating home with rest, safety and comfort NOT the hard work that is school for a child that manages and lives with ADHD.
I want to change your goal from FINISHING the homework to MANAGING the emotions, "wiggles" and lack of focus that causes homework to be so difficult for him. You will not finish the work BUT you will lovingly for 30 minutes help him practice the skills he needs to get through doing something he has no interest in BUT must do out of responsibility.
So what does this look like?
FIRST PLAN and PREDICT
1- You will tell the teacher that you will only be doing 30 minutes worth of homework for the next two months. Predict for her that his homework may be incomplete and that you are FINE with that. Tell her you are concentrating on helping him manage frustration when doing something that does not interest him and using the homework as a means to practice that for 30 minutes a day. Tell his teacher this is the "real data" of his ability to do homework. What you send to school is it. Guide her to take the homework and grade it and the message from you and the teacher needs to be "we all know you are working on "turning on your brain to do your homework" and managing the BIG FEELINGS that come up when you do your homework
2. You will sit with your son and tell him the new plan. You will tell him that you will set a timer for 30 minutes every day and the two of you will work on the BIG Feelings that come up when his body and brain imagine he has to do homework. You tell him that you know sometimes he will be able to get some of the work done BUT sometimes you know he will be too wiggly, too frustrated, BUT the goal is to RESET back to the work. When the timer goes off you will put the homework away. You will tell him that the goal is for him to be able to finish his homework in the future in 30 minutes BUT for the next two months you know that you and him just have to work on his big feelings and his wiggles
SECOND EXECUTE THE PLAN
1- set the timer.
2- have homework be at the same table with all the tools you need to do his homework. - no distractions - doing homework in the play room is not a good idea and just a set up for failure for him.
3. Ignore the moving body - the slouching - the standing to write - that actually is his brain trying to help him focus. INSTEAD when you see him wiggling and moving his body tell him "you're getting wiggly, that means we both have to take deep breaths and RESET to get back to the work." THEN breath for him and call that BREATHE AND RESET
4. Stay calm - make sure your nervous system is calm and as flat as possible. When you start feeling the tension in your body, find your feet, breathe, find three tight spots to loosen in your body, breathe, Repeat until calm.
It does not matter if he does not finish when the 30 minutes are up, put the homework away. Tell him " today we worked on the big feelings and managing the wiggles of your body" then describe how many pages he got done.
Then set an intention for the next day "tomorrow we will try again. I know you will be able to manage the Big Feelings and the wiggling, I believe in you".
I am guessing that your head is telling you, “Lina is crazy! He has to finish his homework.”
NO he does not. Homework is not advancing his academic knowledge. There are countless studies that prove homework in Elementary school does nothing for the students' academic growth.
BUT homework can be the exercise to help him build skills that he will need until he is 80 years old… perseverance, gently working through a task that seems unbearable, and managing emotion. The reading and the math is BS compared to learning these social emotional skills as he moves forward. Hold that in mind always.
Here is a link on ADHD and homework:
https://www.understood.org/en/articles/why-kids-with-adhd-rush-through-homework?fbclid=IwAR1HMu_aObNhxMkuBGtUzxrN5KwleKbtiwLKO7O2BnPalV-qW8YzLzr90VQ